Attention Gauchos! Do you like to ride to and from school on a Harley? Do you commonly use the word ‘faggot’ to describe others on internet forums? Have you been saving your Jamba Juice tip money with the hope to one day afford a spoiler for that piece-of-shit Honda your mom gave you back in high school? Do you live on Embarcadero del Norte in a large, multi-room complex adorned with arbitrarily arranged Greek letters? Well, this just might be the article for you!

Did you know that almost 50 percent of men feel inadequate about the size of their penis? Here I have listed for both your convenience and perusal all the cures for what ails you. Because in the age of internet porn, where ten-inch dicks seem the standard, we all feel we could use a little boost now and again.

1.) Penis Pumps



These handy little contraptions can be bought online or at any of your local sex shops. Once fitted over the penis (they also have little ones for nipples) this manually powered device uses negative pressure to force blood into the member and expand the capillaries of your cock. Proponents of this product claim it’s tantamount to lifting weights with your shaft, as it causes tissue to break down and build back up.

2.) Jelqing

via "Unhung Hero" film screenshot

via “Unhung Hero” film screenshot

This is another popular method of enlargement that operates along a similar logic to the penis pump. You start by forming a ring by touching your pointer finger to your thumb (like you’re making the “OK” sign with your hand) then pinching the base of your penis like you’re trying to choke the insignificance out of it. Now, while maintaining a tight grip, slide your ringed digits along the shaft to the tip of your penis like you would a near-empty tube of toothpaste. The idea is that this motion will create small tears within the penile tissue which will then heal back with a little extra girth.

However, while this equipment-less method may appeal to you unhung phallo-philes who want to up their junk without breaking the bank, advocates of this method claim you have to do it upwards of 100 times a day to achieve results. And while that might not seem so bad, some academics within the anatomical fields say that this continuous stretching of the penis can, in some cases, lead to a rubber-band effect where the penis snaps back due to excessive stretching into a size actually smaller than its original.

3.) Injections



Injections are becoming a popular and effective treatment for penile insecurity. Within this field patients are presented with two options: temporary saline injections for those looking to entertain for a single evening and permanent silicone injections for those who want the party to last a little longer. Kind of like getting breast implants, this easy, mildly surgical procedure will up your girth — and there’s proof in this pudding. The Vice documentary short “Monster Meat” features German, gay-culture enthusiast Micha and his varicose football wiener. Bulging out at nearly four inches in width and nine inches in length, this seems to be the only method I came across that actually seems to work (although rather strangely).

4.) Deer Penis



The deer (allegedly — I’m not speaking from experience, so in that sense I am a failed journalist) is a proportionally remarkably well-endowed creature; one that for millennia has been sought after for its supposed enhancing qualities. According to those within the field, if harvested while the animal is still alive, the penis of a deer can be dried and/or fermented into a brew that both increases vitality and enhances size. Whether this works for sure, I haven’t the slightest idea. But it might have some hormonal properties considering deer penis and its derivatives were labeled as illicit contraband for athletes during the 2008 Chinese Olympics for fear they could give users a steroid-like edge over the competition.

And if you happen to be dick-tose intolerant, have no fear! Luckily goat testicles ( and also eggs ( are apparently commonly consumed by those looking for an extra edge over the local libido.         `

5.) Weights



The original penis pump. Old-fashioned, vintage, retro. Little more than a bundle of ribbon wrapped like a Christmas present around your junk, suspending like a pendulum between your knees a sheaf of iron weights. And it turns out there’s a use for this skill of testicular torque besides pulling cars with your balls in front of tourists as some sort of third-world parlor trick: it also (allegedly) makes you hung. This technique is practiced amongst some men in Korea (which coincidentally has the smallest average penis size of any country — sorry Edward).


Throughout all this it’s also important to keep in mind man’s frail ego and the self-deceptions that come with claims of advanced girth. Many claims about successful techniques have been debunked — and these painful and often costly methods of artificial growth more often than not prove capable of inflating little more than a man’s ego, reducing the motivations of their proponents to petty profiteering and a desire to convince themselves along with others that there actually does exist a way to naturally enlarge the penis they so desperately want to grow.

And whatever happened to good old-fashioned Viagra? It may not push your girth beyond your God-given abilities, but that doesn’t mean one blue tab won’t push your whiskey dick clear through the stitching of your stretch-less Kirkland jeans. But beyond that, guys, don’t concern yourself so much. When it comes to the age-old question “Does size matter or how you use it?” Like porn star Ron Jeremy says, “A big dick is nice, but a good tongue is more important.”