This year, I was late to the summer job market because I was taking finals while all the local high schoolers were snatching up the sweetest positions. I was lucky enough to land one interview halfway through the season, but I’m still waiting to hear back from them. The delay in contacting me may have something to do with some of my (100 percent honest) answers to their questions. By sharing these excerpts of my less-than-stellar responses, my goal is that other job-hunting hopefuls may learn from my mistakes and go on to bigger and better interviews.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Jasmine Vaughn: My ex had an application for this place open on his computer and I saw it when I was looking for his side girl’s nudes.
I: What do you know about the company?
JV: I’ve read plenty of research on how you’re ruining the local environment and are likely to collapse within the next five years due to shaky business models, but I’m so broke I’m willing to overlook those things :)
I: Why should we hire you?
JV: Looking around your office is like looking at the cast of a CW show, and since I’m one-half Asian, I can be your token diversity hire while still being acceptably pale.
I: What is your proudest achievement of your career so far?
JV: The time I drank four ounces of vodka straight out of a water bottle with no chaser.
I: What are your greatest professional strengths?
JV: Arm wrestling, matching my sunglasses to my tank top and predicting a bra size within one cup of accuracy.
I: What do you consider to be your weaknesses?
JV: Cute animals, anything covered in cheese and drinks that are so sweet you can’t taste the alcohol.
I: Where do you see yourself in five years?
JV: Graduating, maybe. Buried under mountains of student debt, definitely.
I: What’s your dream job?
JV: Meryl Streep’s role in “The Devil Wears Prada,” but with less evil and more hired men serving me desserts. Alternatively, being paid a living wage plus benefits just for writing list-based articles with gifs attached.
I: Why did you leave your last job?
JV: I wasn’t getting paid enough to write list-based articles with gifs attached.
I: Why do you want this job?
JV: Because the capitalist education system says I need to spend thousands of borrowed dollars on a degree to get anywhere in life, and if I want to move out of my parents’ house before I’m 40, I need to put in all the menial labor I can to ever think about affording my own tiny shithole apartment plus utilities. Oh, and I’ve always wanted to be a barista, it’s my dream job.