As apartment hunting season progresses, students across Isla Vista are on the lookout for the perfect home for the coming school year. With so many people competing for space in such a small area, landlords are striking up more and more hard bargains, and some lessees are being forced to go to dramatic lengths to secure their dream apartment.
Lucifer Property Management & Co. is one of the newer property companies in I.V. LPMC just opened their branch on 6666 Diablo Playa last year, but business is already booming. Samuel Gibson is one of many renters lined up for one of their listings.
“Who really has the time to read the fine print when spots are going every day?” asks Gibson. “At that point, I was willing to sign anything. So I ended up signing away my soul. But only as a deposit.”
His roommates, who witnessed the event, report that Gibson had just signed the lease when a huge flash of lighting struck the ground where he stood and the office filled with smoke and diabolical laughter.
“I’m pretty sure he left this earthly realm and briefly visited a different spiritual plane, but he regained consciousness pretty quickly,” said Robert Sanchez, one of Gibson’s roommates. “We should have seen it coming when the pen they gave him to sign with started draining his own blood as ink; that was kind of a red flag.
Hannah Dwyer is a current resident in a Lucifer-owned apartment and says there are pros and cons to living where she does.
“I’ve been in this place since September, and the environment really takes a toll on your well-being,” Dwyer said. “I considered living in the dorms a second year, but this option was actually cheaper and less likely to make my life a living hell.”
Grace Hanson, Dwyer’s roommate, agrees that the apartment can be hard to live in, but says she doesn’t mind.
“You’d think living without a soul would be tough, but since my spirit and general will to live has been slowly declining since freshman year, I haven’t noticed that much of a difference,” Hanson said. “The smell of brimstone outside does get on my nerves though.”
Gibson hopes to get his entire soul back at the end of the lease, but will be happy to settle for a 75 percent return.
“Still better than my last landlord,” Gibson said.
Nexustentialism is a fictitious, satirical column submitted primarily by students. View expressed do not reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB.