Friends, hookups, lovers of sex: I come today bearing a gift. I’m going to expand your fucking horizons in every sense of the phrase. Recently, while exploring the glory that is r/sex (a “subreddit” for coital delights), I came upon something noteworthy: This website is designed for couples (or comfortable fuck buddies) that allows you to explore all the little kinks that you are both interested in trying. You can imagine my enthusiasm, being the Lusty Lewis of sexual exploration that I am. As your dedicated Humptress, I surveyed the new territory and I have much to share, sweet Gauchos. This one’s for the couples.

Upon arriving at MojoUpgrade, an interactive sex questionnaire for mates, I was asked whether I wanted to fill out the survey on one computer or two. I recommend doing it on two, especially after prompting my housemate and his lady-love to succumb to my experimentation. To my glee, they filled out the questionnaire in our living room. They kept peeking at each other’s answers as they filled it out and it led to much questioning of the partner and their tastes. “You want to do what to my WHAT?” was not an uncommon exclamation. If you do it on two computers, you can go through the entire questionnaire honestly and thoughtfully.

As you work your way through the questionnaire, you’ll find it addresses an extensive collection of sexual proclivities. Example: I had to ponder how one might use their lover as ‘sex furniture’ (answer: as a foot stool), or what ‘felching’ is (answer: unspeakable). Intimidated? Don’t be. They also cover more basic sexual interests like hair pulling, biting, spanking, wearing heels during sex or use of toys. If you are strictly opposed to the more advanced options like domination or role-play, there is the option of excluding that set of questions in the survey. I especially enjoyed the advanced options because I always love having something new to try.

In reply to the various interests, some of the responses you can chose from are Yes/No/We Already Do that/If My Partner Is Interested. The beauty of this love machine is that if either party marks ‘No’ for any interest, the sexual niche is thrown out of the results page. That way, there is no feeling of rejection when your enthusiasm for pegging is matched with a firm no.

Another guinea pig in my experiment made an interesting observation regarding the Yes/No system. If she wanted to see all the stuff he was into trying, couldn’t she just put ‘yes’ for everything? The answer to that is yes — technically. MojoUpgrade is an opportunity to open up a frank conversation between you and your partner about your interests. More than likely they will be confiding passions to you that they may be insecure about. To mark ‘yes’ to everything would be a breach of trust and defeat the purpose of the exercise.

Once it’s all done, it matches the results up, showing the responses to anything not marked ‘no.’ It’s weirdly sweet seeing what your partner might be willing to concede ‘if you’re interested.’ I won’t tell you what my sexual man-friend conceded to me but it was NOT what I was expecting and I may have laughed in a most sinister and plotting manner. I’m no stranger to the phrase “I have a boner and I am a little afraid.” On top of viewing your aligning interests, each section has links to purchase items to assist in your exploration. For example, if you said you’d be interested in buying a riding crop, it would give you a link to buy aforementioned riding crop.

All in all, this was a hugely rewarding experience for me and my partner. Once we had all of our results, we were both thrilled to discuss the various interests we’d marked, the rules and reservations we held regarding them and why we found particular things erotic. Your shared disclosure generates a lot of intimacy and sex will be more rewarding for the both of you, in that you can cater to their interests better.

So my little ducklings, remember: Whether or not you’re a couple, be sure to tell your partner what gets your loins a-frothing. Sex should be a freeing expression and a chance to learn new things about yourself. If you feel like you’re holding yourself back, you’re doing it wrong. Besos, and Happy Humping.

Halyey E. is fondly referred to as “Big Momma” and “Yes Ma’am” by her lovers.

Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.
A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, November 6, 2013 print edition of the Daily Nexus.