We’ve all been there: It’s a party, everyone’s hammered and the girls are getting extra flirty. Suddenly, there, among the filth of the fiesta, shines a vision. Angelic vocals reach a crescendo. All who witness are breathless with delight. Das’ right, folks, it’s chicks making out.

There’s something oddly hypnotizing about this action. If two members of the opposite sex are playing a game of tonsil hockey, not an eyelash is batted (unless there is some sort of personal connection to the couple in question). However, when two girls kiss, it often seems to evoke a delightful fascination.

Allow me to illustrate the various points regarding the reasons I enjoy kissing girls:

Girls are soft, pretty and smell nice. It’s really hit or miss with you boys. Some of you are hippies and believe that means you never have to wash your hair. You’re wrong. You may still be pretty, but you probably don’t smell too nice, do you?

I have never had a bad girl-kiss. Well, save for sophomore year when my friend jumped on me while blacked out and banged her teeth into mine. But most times, girls just know how to use the appropriate amount of tongue. Guys, on the other hand, either tongue appropriately or get way too liberal. Less is more, fellas. Seriously. It should be a tease, a light tracing, a “hello” from tongue to tongue, not an all-caps “OH HAY DERE.”

Between girlfriends, there’s an innocent enjoyment to the kiss. There’s no threat, no tongue siege. It’s just kissing for the fun of it.

So go on, ladies, get a little tipsy and goofy with your gal pals and exchange a peck or two. No one takes these things seriously; it’s a form of play. Don’t get so in-your-head about these things.

It is important I specify that I personally don’t condone kissing as a show. If you want to kiss another girl and there happen to be people around, fuck it. But if you’re being that drunk girl who’s doing it with the hopes of making guys stare at you, it will likely work but also make you look immature.

And don’t be that guy. You all know him: He’s the one who goes up to the two girls like, “Hey, shall I join you ladies?” Dude, you will be ignored. Just admire the beauty of the situation and remain silent. You are a man amidst nature, witnessing two unicorns going at it. Don’t disturb the majesty.

Now, on top of all of this, there are, of course, social politics that go into making out with members of the same gender. To cite renowned sexologist Alfred Kinsey, one’s sexuality can be viewed as a point on a sexual gradient rather than confined to a certain category of sexuality. I think we can all appreciate and agree with this statement. Kinsey also found that, along this gradient, females are the more fluid of the two genders. They can be closer to the middle, at times. When girls get drunk and make out, it’s not necessarily because they identify as bisexual. I’ve made out with a fair number of my female friends. Often it’s something close friends do when they reach a certain level of shwasted. I wouldn’t make out with my roommate normally. But throw some booze in the situation, and suddenly there are three girls kissing at once.

What’s fascinating to me is that despite partaking in a little tongue waggling, none of the girls I’ve kissed would identify as bisexual or lesbian. It’s purely for enjoyment. I would describe the atmosphere as one of playful innocence — naughty but fun. Now here is the odd thing to me: If two guys got hammered and started making out, the same social rules often would not apply. I am not saying this is fair. I am not saying this is something people unanimously agree upon. But if two guys were making out at a party, most would instantly assume they were bisexual or homosexual, right? If it was a joke, I could dig it. However, if it was carried out in the same fashion that my female friends and I do our kissing (i.e. enjoying one another and ignoring the populace) then I must admit, I would be turned off by both males. They would not be potential candidates for sending their deep v-diver into my ocean blue. Many girls I speak to agree (with the exception of the female friend whose eyes brightened as she cried out with delight, “Threesome!”).

Now, things are certainly gearing toward that sort of behavior being more acceptable. I think that’s healthy and exciting. Norms are shifting! Huzzah! But at this point, there is still that frustrating tilt in male versus female social codes. If a girl invites multiple suitors into her boudoir, you assume that eventually it’ll be like throwing a hot dog into a hallway. But if a guy does the same, smoldering at da’ bitches before getting down, no worries, he’s just another playa’. These are the typical standards of our time. But still, in comparison to what our mums and dads faced, this is significant progress. Consider this: 30 years ago, you were a slut if you put out before five dates. I hear people moaning and groaning about having to wait for three.

So my sweetlings, dabble in some smooching of the sisters and enjoy getting fresh with your lady bros. Experimentation is a healthy, integral part of the college experience. Eventually the realms of experimentation may continue to expand to be more inclusive. Party on, my gaping-gobbed Gauchos, and Happy Humping!

Hayley E. is immune to the drunchies. When her lips are liquored, they have more important things to do.


A version of this article appeared on page on 12 of the Wednesday, March 6, 2013 print edition of the Daily Nexus.