Last week’s South Park episode brilliantly parodies the Occupy Wall Street movement. If you didn’t tune in, this one is for you: Barack Obama has belligerently demonized the rich. His unremitting proclamations have spawned a nagging, irresponsible and uninformed populace collectively referred to as Occupy Wall Street.

If you are experiencing what economists refer to as a “liquidity crisis,” then I ask you to lend a kind ear. First and foremost, stop marching around like a nomadic schmuck. In other words, pry your fingers away from the irrelevant and nonsensical sign that lies in your hand. I ask you to do so because those very fingers can be put to better use.

With your newfound dexterity, take your liberal middle finger and point it not at banks or bankers, not at large “fat-cat” corporations and not at “rich people” in their generalized entirety. Point it at yourself. Point it at yourself for choosing to Occupy rather than applying for an occu….pation. Point it at yourself for marching to the beat of a drum that very much differs from the confused, twelfth-rate musician who marches adjacent to you. Point it at yourself for having the ignorance to blame not credit rating agencies, not institutional investors, but only investment banks. Point it at yourself or your family for accepting loans to finance a house that exceeds your socioeconomic means. If for no other reason, point it at yourself for having nothing better to do than Occupy not New York City, not London, but Isla-fuckin’-Vista. Congratulations, you are a poor man’s Occupier wallowing in the depths of mediocrity.

People, welcome to America, where you either kill or be killed, eat or be eaten. Apply for jobs; don’t waltz around bitching and moaning about those who already have them, and those who have worked rather hard to acquire them. If you’re seeking justice for investment bankers’ behavior, then for all I care, apply for a job within the SEC. That way, you can punish every culpable “fat-cat” that you damn well please. Better yet, ask the rag-twirling fellow outside of Freebirds for a paid internship. Regardless of where you work, just find work! Work long enough to work up an appetite; an insatiable appetite. Then, you too can engage in some metaphorical consumption (and literal consumption, perhaps at Freebirds).

What financiers have done, excluding the likes of Bernie Madoff and Raj Rajaratnam, was immoral, but not illegal. So, if you’re protesting morality, then you should also consider demonizing lawyers who represent mass-murderers. If you’re protesting police brutality, then become an officer of the law and show us how it’s done. If you’re protesting the law itself, then you would be on “point” to blame Barack Obama. He is the one who passed a disastrous $814 billion stimulus package. Even though for good cause, it is he who autographed two pieces of Health Care legislation with a price tag exceeding $1 trillion. Consequently, he is the one who cannot afford to adequately tweak America’s financial laws. Dodd-Frank is more confusing and hopeless than OWS. Lastly, if you are protesting simply to protest, then you are, as I said before, a schmuck. If you’ll excuse me, I, unlike you, will be applying for jobs. I am hungry. There, how is that for transparency?

Alex Gushner is a fourth-year economics major.

Note: Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus.