Here’s the thing: I like to be spanked. Preferably to the point of intense pain.

There, I said it. Open hand-ass contact makes me horny, because in my opinion, there’s nothing more complementary to pleasure than a small dose of hurt. And don’t think I’m alone; there’s something in the idea of being wrongfully punished while doing the nasty that puts many on a nonstop train to O-town. My rationale is that if you’re being disobedient in society, you get punished, so why should we let our partners get away with bedroom naughtiness without being penile-ized? Bottom line, naughty girls and boys need discipline, and there’s nothing more humanitarian than a citizen’s arrest.

The fact that discipline in the bedroom makes us dirty thinkers wetter than a beer-soaked pong ball got me thinking about a possibly disturbing lack of BDSM in Isla Vista sack sessions. Now I know what you’re thinking: You don’t necessarily keep a pleather unitard, spiked collar or a gag ball in the trunk of your car for emergency kink-fests — which by the way, I highly suggest. But I’m here to tell you that there is a much more accessible way to approach sadomasochism that doesn’t require the burning flesh and dungeons displayed on your go-to porn site. Here’s a little beginner’s guide to bedroom discipline and bondage.

Spanking is really just the tip of the penis, there’s a whole shaft of simple dominance and submission techniques that are sure to strike a yummy dose of panic and pleasure in your nether regions. The fact is that helplessness can be a seriously sexy aphrodisiac. I’m all about coital equality, so the key is to experiment with power play and push each other’s limits of pain toleration. Hair pulling can make even the dullest missionary moment a thrill. Then try sinking your teeth into some real meat: the many surfaces of your partner’s body. Synchronize digging your nails into that sweaty back with your ascent to climax. And asphyxiation doesn’t have to be a solo dance with Vaseline and a noose, so cut off some air with the two-handed choke-n-stroke. If you make it less slave-and- master and more mutual dominance, your girlfriend won’t be forced to believe you’re a psycho porn addict or trying to brutally murder her with your bare hands.

As a point of clarification, donkey punching a bitch is not a form of erotic domination. Think classy kinky. Try out some PG-13 props. In my opinion, every sexually active student on this campus should own a pair of handcuffs, the ideal tool for erotic defenselessness. Getting all tied up while getting down makes sex a much wilder adventure. Bring a chair into the equation, invite your favorite vibrator to the pants party — anything goes in beginner’s S&M. Anal beads and nipple clamps can get a bit intimidating, so keep it simple to start, but if it’s a ring your cock craves, don’t deny yourself the pleasure, you fetishist, you.

Lastly, note that domination roleplay doesn’t have to involve ass paddles and a mistress named Veronica Vulva (though if you’re planning said situation, shoot me a Facebook invite). Roleplay can be as simple as the dominator taking on the persona of an authority figure — think naughty professor in control of your final grade or bad-boy boss unimpressed with your secretarial filing work. Then switch it up, turning the school girl or secretary into the seductress. After all, our annual designated roleplay holiday is just around the corner, so put those dangerously delicious Halloween costumes up for some real work this weekend and beyond. Those Sergeant Sexy and Doctor Dick outfits will certainly get the balls rolling on some kinky fantasies.

Listen, the truth is that people need to be more comfortable with their inner freaks. Being spanked and told that I’m a dirty little bitch makes me happy. So I bid you, get on your backs and get that kinky sex you need. There is more to the Gaucho spirit than merely being a nympho; you must foremost be an individualist.