Isla-Nation, I am totally outraged. According to The Seattle Times, new draconian regulations in a Danish brewery forbid workers from consuming free beer during the day, except during lunchtime breaks. Now, I knew times were tough, but when brewers can no longer drink as much as they want, for free, during their workday, we need to draw a thick, deep line in the sand. Being able to drink beer during the day is like…being able to drink water! It’s just the way God intended life to be lived. Of all the communities in the world, I think Isla Vista can identify most closely with the plight of these poor brewery workers. Public day drinking during studying, class or work is a celebrated and integral part of our way of life. Nowhere else have the residents of a single community so wholeheartedly embraced their inalienable right to get totally schmutzed while going about their daily business. In fact, the ingenuity, focus and dedication spent towards this hallowed way of life is astonishing.
Let’s take a moment to review the local techniques:
The most classic form of on-campus drinking is, of course, “the bottle swap.” Jocks will be seen guzzling a Gatorade/vodka mix, while the less aggressive sorority girls lean towards a Smart Water/tequila combo. However, there are those who prefer a more legitimate route: some choose to get their mid-day fade on by ducking into Dublin’s, while others, desiring maximum special efficiency, visit Chilito’s in the Hub for a quick pitcher or two (or three) before class. Health-conscious folk head to Jamba Juice and add “The Ethanol Boost” to their smoothie, which will make a Strawberries Wild potent enough to light on fire and use as a Molotov cocktail if the current bro-surgency ever gets out of hand. The cleverer among us have been spotted strapping on 72 oz. camel backs and, depending on personal preference, sipping tasty beer or potent mixes in class all day long. If you’re classy, you can flask it, and if you’re not, handle pulls on Davidson’s sixth floor is always a solid call.
Then there are the swimmers who swear by bringing “grape juice” bottles filled with their favorite merlot to the pool. Whiskey, mixed in a coke bottle, is a no-brainer for all aspiring Hemingways on campus. Chemists play it cool by filling beakers with any clear grain alcohol they can get their hands on. The geology department holds down the fort by playing highly competitive beer pong on their roof every week. Of course, let’s not forget those who just pack a six-pack in the backpack and vive la vida loca. And most prestigiously, once a year, a small group of dedicated drinkers who share only a love of beer and above average levels of testicular-fortitude can be sighted attempting the legendary five story beer bong in the stairwell of Bren Hall.
But day drinking is about more than creativity and a spent liver. We’re talking about the basic human right to live a fully-functional alcoholic lifestyle, unburdened by the harsh hand of those so-called “pragmatic” thinkers who preach the godless doctrine of mid-day sobriety. A travesty has occurred, and I for one will not stand for it. I urge everyone reading this paper to put it down immediately. Rush as fast as your can to your preferential mode of long distance communication. Take this unique opportunity to be politically active and freely express your solidarity with these poor brewery workers by firing off an angry letter to your local Carlsberg sales representative. Just do your best to try to write coherently.