Professors shocked and shamed the campus community this week as news emerged that a UCSB Faculty Legislature retreat ended in massive property damages and a stunning display of academic binge drinking.
Attendees left a significant and astounding number of handles, beer cans, wine bottles and bongs at the scene of the council’s spring break retreat. According to sources, the weekend getaway — held at an estate just outside Santa Barbara — resulted in thousands of dollars of damage and the campus’ worst publicity nightmare outside of Floatopia, Halloween and an average Saturday night in Isla Vista.
“It was just sick; there was vomit and alcohol everywhere,” property owner Joe Height said. “We can’t believe the vile behavior that these academics engaged in. If we’d known this was the kind of team building activity they would participate in, we would never have rented the luxury manor to these professors.”
In response to the shocking weekend of debauchery, the Faculty Legislature further scandalized UCSB as members closed their widely attended meetings to the student body.
Despite multiple denials and the efforts of Faculty Legislature Chair Leslie Smith to keep the truth hush-hush, details from the raucous retreat are trickling out.
In a shocking admission, the organization took responsibility for one major source of damage in a report released yesterday.
“A professor reported he punched a hole in a door on Sunday at 2:30 a.m. while reaching for the door knob,” the report states. “He explained that he was not drunk at the time of the incident.”
Vice Chancellor of Faculty Affairs George Yost said this scandal reveals serious concerns about what type of behavior is condoned in the faculty housing community.
“The big issue here is not the cover-up or the absolute disregard for the university’s financial woes,” Yost explained. “The problem is the disgusting and obscene culture that exists in faculty housing. The binge drinking that’s acceptable there is just amazing, and the last party I went to — no comment.”
According to former Faculty Legislature member Karen Hubble, this is just another weekend of moral depravity for the council.
“This is pretty typical of a faculty retreat,” Hubble revealed. “What do you expect when you throw together a bunch of academics, especially ones from Isla Vista?”
Few professors have spoken out publicly on the event, with most taking a secretive vow of silence during their council meeting.
“We promise this is being investigated,” Smith said. “Really.”