Once upon a time, there was an ignorant, ignorant Congressman named little Boehner. One day, Boehner was scheming with health insurance lobbyists when a young staffer burst into his office.
“Sir,” wailed the staffer, “the Democrats have 216, the Democrats have 216!”
“Oh,” cried ignorant Boehner, “the sky is falling. I must go warn the American people.”
So Boehner ran and ran, and he met the ill-begot Senator Lott.
“Where do you travel so fast, Boehner?” Lott asked.
“Ah, Lott,” Boehner said, “the sky is falling, and I must go and warn the American people.”
“How do you know that the sky is falling, Boehner?” Lott asked.
“The Democrats are going to expand healthcare coverage to 94 percent of eligible Americans,” Boehner said gravely.
“I will help you warn the people,” Lott said.
So they ran along together, and they met the forlorn Senator Coburn.
“Where do you travel so fast?” Coburn asked.
“Ah, Coburn,” Boehner said, “the sky is falling, and Lott and I go to warn the American people.”
“How do you know that the sky is falling, Boehner?” Coburn asked.
“The Democrats are going to force insurance companies to cover females who were victims of rape and battery and children with pre-existing medical conditions,” Boehner said worriedly.
“I will help you warn the people,” Coburn said.
So they ran along together, and they met redneck Glenn Beck.
“Where do you travel so fast, Boehner?” Beck asked.
“Ah, Beck,” Boehner said, “the sky is falling. Lott and Coburn and I go to warn the American people.”
“Boehner, you know I don’t believe in that global warming hoo-ha,” Beck said.
“No, Beck, you don’t understand. The Democrats are going to award tax credits to small businesses that offer healthcare coverage to their employees,” Boehner said urgently.
“Socialists! Fascists! Nazis! Canadians!” Beck spouted,with tears of sulfur making their way down inflated cheeks toward his reddening neck. “Do you know how to communicate this atrocity to the American people?” Beck asked.
“No,” they said.
“Then come with me and I will show you,” Beck said.
And just as Beck began to lead them to the American people to preach their concerns using trickery, beguilement and disjointed ramblings, just as he began to teach the Congressmen that “universal coverage” can be translated to “death panels” and “affordable prescriptions” can be translated to “Viagra for pedophiles,” the sky fell upon the American people.
Thirty-two million Americans were offered affordable healthcare, insurance companies could no longer cancel policies when someone got sick, healthcare tax cuts were afforded to the middle and lower classes, prescription prices went down and the federal deficit was reduced by $143 billion over a decade.
“We’re too late,” Lott said.
“Poor American people,” Coburn said.
“They are but slaves now,” Beck said.
“Nothing to do now but go home,” Boehner said.
And on Nov. 2, 2010, they did.