You know how celebrity stalkers are in love with imaginary people? Like, someone is obsessed with Legolas from the “Lord of the Rings” movies but not the actor who plays him? Well, that’s how the Weatherhuman feels, like Orlando fucking Bloom. You know, without the British accent. People tend to forget that I’m not a real person, that my only call to fame is writing a few sentences in a box five days a week. I mean, Jean-Claude, people, I’m not a superhero.

Tomorrow’s Forecast: The Weatherhuman changes its mind. Everyone, feel free to worship the ground on which I tread. The best way to do this is to send me money. Lots and lots of money.