As I walk up and down the paths of this illustrious university, I can’t help but notice a sort of mollifying, yet bitterly pungent aura; an aura that reeks of emotionally-driven bilge. One might blame right-wingers who are still angry about the 2008 presidential election for this biting atmosphere, but the source of this university’s pusillanimity can be found in the liberal argument’s utter lack of testicles.

There really is no clever thesis in this column.

Rather, this is just an opportunity to impugn people who annoy me. First off, I am not a republican, I don’t watch FOX News and I don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity. Sorry to render every arrow in your quiver utterly useless. I am simply a man who is very greedy. Welfare is poison. Don’t like me? Don’t care.

Ok, the Women’s Center.

I mean, really? What, women still think they are oppressed in 21st century America? They need an entire center devoted to helping women overcome the boundaries established by arrogant, pipe-smoking males? Ha, please. Since this campus advocates diversity, why isn’t there a center devoted to supermodels dressed in bikinis? I’m sure many men on this campus are openly tolerant of a beautiful half-naked chick. We can make this happen. Yes, we can.

I spoke with a communist the other day. Yeah, the guy wearing Nike shoes. Which reminds me, some kid in a Che shirt almost hit me with his bike last week. Those damn Che kids with their iPods. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, the commie. He asked me if I supported universal health care. I asked, “Who is going to pay for it?” He said, “Nobody, it’s free, bro!” Commies — they kill me.

As I sat down in the Arbor a few days ago, casually chewing tobacco and taking pride in my inherently covetous nature, I began thinking about Dr. Thomas Sowell’s argument against the idea of diversity. He argues that this word, due to leftist pseudo-intellectualism, basically has no meaning anymore. Schools mix kids of all races into one student body and call it “diversity,” when in fact, as statistics provided by Sowell show, the majority of blacks who attend Ivy League schools come from virtually the same kinds of areas as white kids who attend Ivy League schools.

So “diversity” has become an issue of physical appearances, rather than a true diversity of thought. Dr. Sowell laughs at you, you mendacious liberal.

“You lie!” was the shout heard ’round the nation. Joe Wilson: American badass. Democrats harpooned Wilson for his deplorable and outrageous outburst, insisting that republicans treat congressional matters with a little more respect. I mean, it’s not like democrats booed and shouted “No!” at President Bush during his 2005 State of the Union address. I know they have more class than that.

Now, back to greed. Greed is a beautiful thing. I like my money. I want to keep it. I don’t want to give my money to a person who doesn’t have any. I worked hard for it and feel I should live a sumptuous lifestyle. What, it’s not fair? Of course it’s not! Life isn’t fair. Some people win and some people lose. Get over it.

I bid you all farewell. I enjoyed this conversation. Perhaps we can further discuss these matters over cigars. Cheers, lads and ladies.