Perk up! No school tomorrow. What? I know, unexpected. Well, you could sleep in, play a few dozen hours of video games, and generally waste the day in true holiday fashion. Or you could learn to open a bottle of wine with your fucking shoe. God, I aspire to that level of alcoholism. Sure, we can all employ a lighter, our keys and belt buckles to get to beer in times of need. And yeah, you might have gone too far when you start destroying debatably vital parts of your body (your teeth, or eyeballs, for example) rather than find a bottle opener, but a shoe? I can only hope to one day be such a crafty wino.

Tomorrow’s Forecast: If you don’t consider that productive, it’s probably time we part ways.