So you’re coming to UCSB, hmm? I bet it’s because we have one of the best Religious Studies programs in the country. Maybe it’s because our library has 2.7 million volumes. Or, most likely, it’s because of our cutting-edge research, world-renowned faculty and strong belief in sustainability and “green” living. No? It wasn’t any of that? Well, yes, we’ve been voted one of the country’s “hottest colleges,” (whatever that means) and yes, it’s widely known that we consistently top lists naming “party schools,” but I’m sure that didn’t factor into your decision. I bet it had nothing to do with the fact that our campus is literally on the beach, or that it borders Isla Vista, a student fantasyland complete with pirates, 24-hour burritos and 14 places that serve beer. No, a smart kid like you knows better.

Tomorrow’s Forecast: That’s just the tip of the iceberg, Gauchos. Every day I’ll be bringing you not humidity reports and data about clouds but the ridiculous, the entertaining and the obscure, as I see fit. The bizarre, the nonsensical and the I-can’t-make-this-shit-up. I am your Weatherhuman, you are the clay with which I shall mold. Welcome to UCSB.