I love the service sector. Seriously, the shit you guys have to put up with late at night in Isla Vista really ought to earn you a fucking medal. For instance, tonight at around 11:30, I began craving a foot of sandwich for around five dollars, so I went on my merry old way to attain one. While there, I encountered a cross-faded blonde girl and her spectacularly inebriated male counterpart. This nice fellow was quick to point out loudly and in the middle of a crowded restaurant that his ladyfriend “has a vagina. Like, something to insert things into.” Bravo.

Tomorrow’s forecast: The Weatherhuman’s A.S. presidency platform is amended to bolster a cashier’s right to punch dumbass college kids and pocket their money. Vote on GOLD.