You: the moderately pathetic college student browsing Craigslist’s “missed connections,” hoping in vain for a complete stranger’s affection to validate your meaningless existence. Me: the one from “rants and raves” who is convinced that 9/11 was all just a hoax perpetrated by those goddamn illegals outside of Albertsons. Let’s hook up. No fatties.

Tomorrow’s forecast: Can you get rid of your herpes in the free stuff section? No? Fuck