Ever wonder what goes on in that vast world outside of the University of Casual Sex and Beer? You know, that Twilight Zone where people who spend more than 50 percent of their day intoxicated are considered “alcoholics,” where sex is preceded by a thing called “dinner,” and where the toenail-eating fetish that leaps out from your closet and into the bedroom can’t be excused by the fact that you were blacked out. Just how does casual sex survive in a world as dark as this? Is there simply no hope?
Before you round up a canned food drive for these unfortunate real-world-dwelling souls, you should know that there is an ounce of hope – in the form of a man. His name is Craig. And he’s got a list.
Craigslist’s “casual encounters” section serves as the fishing line of the sex-starved and kink-suppressed. Every day, millions cast out the lure in hopes of getting a nibble or two (or a bite, a scratch, a spank…). This week, I sifted through the “Desperately Seeking Sugar Daddies” and “MILFs Need Apply” to bring my beloved readers some of the best and most bizarre excerpts of the bunch.
“PLANETARY SPHERE SEEKS… satellite or compatible planetary sphere for eternal dance. Must have a stable gravitational force and sustainable atmosphere. Core must be molten hot and a cool, inviting surface combining hard and soft features that are compatible with a variety of celestial and/or terrestrial phenomenon. Young spheres that are not yet stable/solid or older spheres attempting to escape from solar systems on the verge of supernova need not apply (30-50 range?). Candidates should be desirous of joining a long-term system–after an appropriate trial of system compatibility…”
“STILL TIRED OF MAKING OUT WITH MY DOG: last night my dog couldn’t stop humping my leg. even that little, red lipstick thing came out and left a sticky mark on my leg… my dog and i are a lot of like, neither of us gets any action. I’m not sure if he’s a virgin. i was a virgin until recently, but i was looking to maybe find another partner. so, since I know how it feels never to get any, i let my dog hump away. however, if there’s a woman that wants to hump my leg, I won’t stop you…”
“SKIP THIS AD IF GARY BUSEY SCARES YOU: …Weird should interest you…”
“KERMIT SEEKS PIGGY: …Some time ago, I found an original full head rubber Miss Piggy mask, circa 1977, complete with a full head of long blond hair. I am looking for a tall, sexy BBW, preferably over 300 pounds, to wear this mask to bed. She should also be open to playing with plastic wrap and liquid latex. Blonde is best, I suppose, but not necessary. Who knows – for the right woman I might just get a green rubber suit and a Kermit mask…”
“NECROPHILIAC SEEKING CORPSE: Seeking a tall, well-muscled insomniac to indulge a very particular fantasy. I would like to see you lie motionless on a green-and-cream chintz bedspread, face-up, wearing only your plaid boxer shorts, with your arms crossed on your chest like a corpse at an open-casket funeral. You will sleep like a cat, and I will watch you, ignore you, go out for a coffee, or possibly photograph you with my BlackBerry. When you awaken, we will watch low-quality American television and eat coconut sorbet…”
“WANT IT FROM BEHIND WHILE YOU PLAY SUPER MARIO BROTHERS? …When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, ‘MORE’, ‘HARDER’, ‘YES’, ‘FUCK ME’, but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts…”
Laugh as much as you want now, dear Gaucho, but don’t write off craigslist too quickly. After your college years, when you’re high and dry, when your wingmen have flown, when you haven’t had sex in six months and when Miss Piggy starts lookin’ real good, ol’ Craig will give you a shot.