Since I have been old enough to touch penises, two people have told me I give a good hand job. One was my best friend, who is a female and therefore has no idea what constitutes a satisfactory hand job. She was just trying to build up my self-esteem after two hours of up-and-down with a random hookup, which ended with nothing but a limp dick and a sore wrist. The other was my boyfriend, who I’m sure was lying. How could he possibly have been telling the truth? No hand job is a good hand job.

The fact is the ol’ HJ is well on its way to becoming obsolete. The realistic among us have given up on them altogether. Those of us who actually believe we can be the one to break all the barriers and help him reach ecstasy with only the use of our palms and 10 fingers — well, I hate to be the one to say it, but we’re living in a fantasy world. There will be no hand job revolution. In 50 years, it will be like the eight-track tape. School kids will read about the alleged “hand job” in history books, but nobody will ever experience one in person.

The foremost reason why hand jobs are never okay is because, given the choice between using your hand and using your mouth, you should always go with whichever is wetter. When was the last time you heard a guy say, “Man, I got the best hand job last night?” Just to save you a little time, the answer is never. You’ve never heard a guy say that because, in the history of mankind, those words have never been uttered. Cavemen didn’t like hand jobs, our founding fathers didn’t like hand jobs — I can pretty much guarantee whoever you are hooking up with right now doesn’t like hand jobs either.

Sure, a hand job may make him cum, but let’s face it: He would much rather have sex, receive a blow job or tug on his own cock. He would probably rather not have an orgasm at all if it takes an eternity for the clammy hand of somebody else stroking his semi-hard penis to get him there. Men spend their entire lives perfecting the art of stroking themselves. By the time they’re in college, they have 18 years of practice and can make themselves cum in 2 minutes flat. Who can compete with that?

The purpose of a hand job or a blow job is to simulate intercourse. Too many females — myself included, of course — forget that fun little fact. A woman’s vagina makes itself wet when it’s ready to be penetrated for a reason: Penises crave moisture. No matter how many times we spit on our hands during the deed, it will simply never be wet enough.

I’m not trying to preach here — I know how tempting it can be to give a hand job. It’s that time of the month, you hope to die without ever finding out what it’s like to have sex while on your period and giving a blow job sounds about as inviting as a Dirty Sanchez. At that point, you and your man may be desperate enough to believe he wants a hand job, but do yourselves both a favor and settle for kissing. He’ll thank you in the morning.

The thing is, I’m an equal opportunity hand job hater. Girls loathe them almost as much as boys do. There is nothing more awkward than taking a dick in your hand, trying to determine the optimum amount of pressure and the correct rhythm, all the while having a psychological meltdown because you know he’s judging your every move. And then, at the end of the ordeal, you have to deal with the classic problem of what to do with the end result. At least when you give a blow job you can swallow the stuff and pretend it was never there, but what are you supposed to do in this case? Run to the nearest drain? You could always go with the old sock trick, but I don’t know if that’s legal past the age of 14.

It’s the name of a Facebook group, and I’m sticking to it: Just Say No to Dry Hand Jobs.