Stale urine trickled down the inside of his leg a drop at a time, eventually soaking the black dress socks he’d just bought that morning. He would have laughed if it wasn’t for the tension in the office. Instead, he sat straight, like any decent candidate, his eyes meeting the interviewer’s as she reached over her desk to shake his hand.
“You’re hired, kid,” a fit, thirty-something brunette remarked, not noticing the hint of piss in the air. “We’ll be carrying out your mandatory drug test next Monday.”
He held on to the confident smile with a poker player’s reserve, even down the long taupe corridor, until he reached the parking lot, slamming the driver’s door shut from inside his 1984 Volvo.
His belt was loosened instantly. Pants thrust to his knees. Then came the golden Ziploc bag of his best friend’s urine. The tape he’d used to attach it to his inner thigh ripped out a clump of blonde hairs. The bag leaked even more liquid before it was tossed onto the scorching pavement.
Shit, he thought as he gripped the steering wheel, slamming his forehead down rather lightly on the top of his clenched fists. If I ever figured I’d find piss trailing down my Dockers after a job interview, I would have put money on it being my own damn piss. He almost puked on upholstery older than he was.
Now, don’t get grossed out by my buddy just yet. I know, he smells like stale piss of a foreign brand, but so do old people, and they sure look cute shuffling across the street – a thousand points each, Frankenstein. But while you already know how fucking dumb my buddy can be, it still takes a super trooper to pass a week’s notice drug test like he did without the use of masking substances or cleansing agents.
Some of us aren’t meant to be binging gym rats for a week, though, downing gallon after gallon of water to flush out the goodies from our fat cells. Some of us have to settle for alternative, ulterior methods. I’m not talking about BALCO here, but I guess if your name was Barry Bonds, this shit would be as easy for you to grab as The Clear.
Worried over a future employment opportunity? Concerned about random testing by your current employer? Chill, bro. Many of these masking or cleansing products allow you to practically continue on with your lifestyle, while keeping you out of the unemployment line, and can be found at many local supplement stores and head shops. Just don’t expect anything to work that doesn’t come at a hefty price.
I understand if you’re not used to reading the labels on the pills you’re popping, but on this decision, make sure you understand how you’re supposed to go about the administering process. Some of these liquids can simply be consumed hours before a urinalysis test to mask the substances you expel. Others claim to cleanse the body of toxins, leaving your urine as clean as the sound of a 350-yard drive at Augusta. Still, read the labels. Both kinds of products will help you pass your piss test, but if you’re really that worried, avoid puffing right before you perform your allegedly promiscuous purification. Much more information on these products, as well as other options, can be found at erowid.com.
For some jobs, though, I just wouldn’t recommend it.
The Marine Corps Reserves is a prime example. While you’d have to be unlucky enough to fall into the random 10 percent selected every call for drug screenings, a dishonorable discharge just isn’t worth it. Smoke when your service is up, Devil Dog. Just focus on getting home in one piece.
While I myself squeezed into a job at a local warehouse a few years back, I realized a deaf forklift operator and a super stoner may lead to some trouble around the bend. So I cut back. All I’m saying is make sure you mind your surroundings at a job before you get too comfortable. Don’t do anything stupid, like going and getting yourself killed. And always change your socks.