I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman

Judging by all the liberals fainting around campus yesterday, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that one or both of the Clintons are coming to town. Also, my editor told me that Hillary is coming to town, so there’s that. Students, please pay close attention to my next words: you must all exhibit extreme caution for the rest of the day. Ladies, hide your best dresses – particularly anything in a shade of blue. Gentlemen, cover your balls all day. I’ve heard they’ve been known to spontaneously shrink around Hillary, although that may just be a rumor.