Every time I find myself surrounded by a group of guys – which, unfortunately, is quite a lot, thanks to the many meatheads of the men’s rugby team – I am regaled with tales of breezy bitches and foolish females. Why is it that women in particular have a reputation for extreme insecurity, dependency issues and stalker behavior?
Us ladies may be kinda crazy and partially possessive when it comes to the cock, but we don’t come close to the way boys behave when they’re chasing the pussy – and they’re worse when they actually want the woman attached to it.
OK, so I concede to some silliness on behalf of my gender. I have a housemate who once sent six text messages in a row to her hookup before she received one back, and I have personally been known to do the drive-by around my high school boyfriend’s house over summer. But let’s be realistic, who hasn’t?
I admit, six text messages is a bit over the top, but it’s a totally understandable number when you take into account Indochine was serving $2 drinks. Besides, the next day, while my friend was showering off the stench of gumdrop shots, the dude finally checked his phone and called her back not once, not twice, but 16 times. Literally, 16 times in the length of one shower, and she didn’t even shave her legs. She called him back, only because at this point she was convinced he was lying in a ditch, and all he said was, “I have a boner.”
That same week – on Trigo, when it rains stalkers, it pours them – another roommate of mine tried to shake off her latest mistake. She had met him two weeks before, and he acted the part of a typical Isla Vista prowler. He told her she was the flashiest girl at the Bobby Lyte party, insinuated that he preferred giving head to receiving it, etc., until she agreed to go back to his place. After a handful of blowjobs and a halfhearted attempt at a movie date, my friend broke the bad news: She just wasn’t that into him.
And here’s where it gets ugly. I’m not sure where the phrase “take it like a man” comes from, but this boy certainly had nothing to do with its origination. An hour after she ended their two-week-long dalliance, he called her and said he hadn’t met a girl who kissed like that since his mother. At first, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He had to be joking, right? Maybe he thought he could win her back with an erratic sense of humor. But then, when she didn’t budge, he proceeded to show up at our front door with two dozen roses… and a box of Tampax?
He got down on his hands and knees and said he was looking for more than a hot body: He wanted a committed relationship. In fact, he said, he wanted to be involved in every aspect of her life. But the worst part is, according to this man’s warped sense of reality, being involved meant watching her remove her tampon, and then helping her push one back in. When she expressed her distaste with a swift kick in the nuts, his response was, “Can we still fuck?”
Sometimes, guys make it past the first impression unscathed and their personal brand of crazy doesn’t appear until the relationship is Facebook official. My friend had been dating her ex-boyfriend for a month when he crawled through her apartment window, stole her phone, and deleted every male phone number – including her grandpa’s. While he was illegally in her bedroom, he took the opportunity to remove all miniskirts and low-cut shirts from her closet. Another dude she dated actually broke into her college registration and deleted all of her classes because – and this is a direct quote: “Who needs classes when all you have to do is be my wife?”
And these are the same people who are calling us crazy? I’m calling the Discovery Channel – we have got to bust this myth.