Whoa, whoa, whoa! The CIA was on campus recruiting students last week and they DIDN’T stop by my office? Come on guys, I’d be the perfect spy. I have a pen that doubles as a penlight, I regularly start conflicts and my whole life is based around not letting other people figure out my identity. Seriously, my official job description is “don’t let anyone find out who you are.” That’s it! I’m practically a spy already. All I need is for you to make it official by giving me a gun and carte blanche to torture people.
Weather
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Please Don’t Try to Bike Over the Hump Pls
Labyrinth: Grades Search
Aries
March 21 - April 19
Choked by their cap tassel during a graduation photoshoot
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Accidentally daps the Chancellor up as they receive their diploma
Gemini
May 21 - June 20
Decided to skip commencement to go day drink on Del Playa
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Ugly crying so hard they drown out "Pomp and Circumstance"
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Posing on stage like there's a model scout in the audience (there was)
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Can't make it up the steps due to the sheer amount of cords, stoles, and leis
Libra
September 23 - October 22
Couldn't decide on a grad dress so they showed up in pajamas under their gown
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Showed up to commencement high and suffering from horrendous munchies
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Somehow juggling the 15 ceremonies required for their triple major
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Graduated with a 5 year plan, chronic anxiety, and a great internship
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Reading Kafka in the audience in hopes of an honorary English degree
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
had their graduation photos taken in the lagoon to be different
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I think the CIA is looking for people with talent, which you lack completely. And it appears you already have "carte blanche" to torture people–the weather column.
Dear ms,
I don’t read the weather column every day, but if you think it sucks I can rest assured that it’s awesome.
Hey, ms, how about you do your own version of the weather every day? That way you can pretend it rocks and everyone else can feel secure knowing one less pederass will have time to bother them in real life.
Forecast: The wannabe ‘human takes up the challenge, but has to bail when it takes too much time away from creating ironic Facebook groups.
kcpike, you spelled "pederast" wrong, and I’m not sure it means what you think it means. And if it does, then your response make very little sense to me. You and your amazing attempt at the "forecast" would fit right in with the Nexus weather dept. You should apply.