Ballcuzzi. If you haven’t heard of it, you want to. And if you have heard of it, you are one lucky man – or woman. Don’t be ashamed, ladies: We all know the twisted pleasure goes both ways. For those of you who shy away from unorthodox sexual activities, don’t be frightened by the ballcuzzi. While the term may sound intimidating, it’s really very simple – all you need is a bowl of liquid, a straw and a girl who’s ready to study your scrotum like it’s the periodic table. If your girlfriend ain’t willing, find a new girlfriend. It’s a slippery slope, fellas, and you don’t want to be sliding downward into missionary hell.
The other day I made the mistake of saying the word “ballcuzzi” in a room full of guys. I was immediately bombarded with advice, tales of triumph and a brand of euphoria that can be achieved only by a group of dudes analyzing their ball sacks. I was about to break outta there and find some female company to talk to about tampons and Justin Timberlake when it dawned on me that it is my sacred duty to spread the word about this phenomenon. Somewhere in between a tangent about the fizzing properties of orange Fanta and a heated debate about the merits of a crazy straw, I made my escape. After a quick pit stop at Freebirds, I knelt down to discover whether milk really does create the best bubbles – it’s so simple a second grader can do it.
Urban Dictionary lists 11 different definitions for ballcuzzi. Some involve water, some milk, and some soda. Certain entries suggest regulation-sized straws, while others claim short straws are the way to go so the girl gets the best possible view of the burgeoning boner. One entry even said the best way to go about the act is from behind, and while that may be true about most types of sex, I am a firm believer that anything involving my mouth down south is absolutely not better from behind. One wrong move and I’d find myself writing about rim jobs. So although I stuck to the front of the man’s body, we tried many variations of the ‘cuzzi to find out which ones are hot.
Of course, I employed the empirical method in my research – I didn’t take Psych 1 for nothing – and the initial attempt at making his balls tingle was purely for control purposes. I went with the basic ballcuzzi set-up of warm water and a regular straw, and he sat on the edge of a couch. Bowl down, balls out – nothin’ but net. After the first go-round, I almost wrote off the ballcuzzi as an urban legend. There I was, blowing into that straw like I was the Big Bad Wolf, expecting a miracle, and… nothing. He was more interested in the NBA season opener than the lukewarm water between his legs. I know sports are a priority, but come on, my mouth is an inch away from your balls – something had to be off. I trudged back to the lab, heated up the water to a true Jacuzzi temperature, and grabbed a longer straw. This time, we had liftoff. It took hotter water, an increased lung capacity, and a hand-job to finish him off, but at least the second time around he was paying more attention to me than Allen Iverson.
Any true experiment needs a representative sample, so I sent a few friends to do my dirty work. One of them tried milk, and although it’s a good idea in theory, turns out the rancid smell is more trouble than it’s worth. Another girl tuned out the instructions and left out the bowl. She filled her mouth with hot water, squeezed both balls in – how you like deez nutz – and proceeded to gargle. Sounds innovative, but nobody wants their parents to find out they died via choking on a ballcuzzi.
In a nutshell: Keep it simple and stick to water. I tried the orange Fanta idea, and it became clear that if a ball isn’t made by NERF, it’s not meant to be sticky.