Editor, Daily Nexus,
In light of recent threats posed towards you, my dearest semicolon, I am compelled to raise a backhand just like the curved fist that adorns your brow.
True, you may be neither period nor comma, yet in essence you are both – you possess the best of both worlds. You are no common comma, littering the sentence like piles of horseshit on Del Playa Drive after the Halloween festivities have concluded. You most certainly are not a simple period. A tart and bitter hyphen you surpass with ease. Despite the coolness of your fraternal brother, the colon, how else would we grace our text messages with a winking smiley face?
The cat is out of the bag – you make me melt like butter on a skillet. You rock my world like an asteroid and are hotter than the heat of impact, you cosmic black-cored stallion with a trailing mane of wrath. No, you are no trite period, semicolon. You’re the badass little dot that drinks the night before midterms, the black speck pounding a handle of cheap vodka to its cylindrical dome. The finality of the period is destructive and harsh, but you play coy; you tease me, my favorite punctuation. As the sentence marches on towards an inevitable close, you seduce the subject and predicate to a thundering climax and then pull out, continuing the flow of a passing fancy and prolonging my pleasure for another round of literary whoopee.
Without you, how would someone with A.D.D. logically direct a train of thought into “A+” paper station? Thanks to you (and Adderall, of course) it’s all aboard! You are a gentleman and a scholar. Indiscriminate and benevolent: Nouns, verbs, adverbs and adjectives flock to you like the elusive swallows of Capistrano. Semicolon, you are the ideal cure for redundancy. Only the bravest trust you to unite seemingly incoherent garble into a fluid ray of logic, grammar and poetic beauty. Sure, we could deface our Pulitzer Prize-winning papers with an obsolete comma or period, but you, being the Shakespearian savage that you are, go straight for the kill. You are the essence of invention, variety and are truly the spice of life. The jury is out and the verdict is in, and, semicolon, you’re here to stay! Call me. ; )