Oh Susanna, Don’t You Cry for Me

Monday, June 25, 1:54 p.m. – Deputies were dispatched to the 6800 block of Del Playa Drive Monday afternoon when neighbors reported that a suspicious-looking tall blonde wearing short shorts was spotted leaving a residence. The neighbor said the young woman and her small black dog rode away on a red beach cruiser.

Deputies were unable to locate the Paris Hilton look-alike, but one hour later, she was spotted leaving the same residence on Del Playa on the same red beach cruiser with the same small black dog.

This time, police stopped the blonde and questioned her about the bike she was riding, which matched the description of a bike reported stolen. The red beach cruiser’s serial number was located in the Community Service Organization officer records and found to be registered to a male owner.

When asked whom the shiny red bike belonged to, the young woman paused and appeared to be deep in thought. Finally, she responded and said the bike belonged to “Elizabeth.” However, she was unable to provide a last name or address for the generous “Elizabeth.”

One deputy checked police records and found that the blonde in question had more in common with Paris Hilton than her looks – there were three warrants out for her arrest. She was interviewed again.

This time, when asked whom the bike belonged to, the suspect responded with a single word: “Susanna.” Officers asked why she said “Elizabeth” the first time and “Susanna” the second time.

Still clutching onto her miniature dog, the suspect thought for awhile and then said, “Susanna goes by the nickname Liz.”

At that time, the frustrated deputy concluded the interview and arrested the bicycle blonde after reading her rights.

Walk the Line

Saturday, June 16, 11:25 p.m. – On Saturday night of graduation weekend, officers were walking northbound on Camino Del Sur and heard a noise that sounded like glass breaking. The deputies walked toward the noise to investigate, and passed by a 20-year-old man staggering down the sidewalk holding a bottle of Hefeweizen.

The subject was reportedly making verbal threats to passersby, and with his extensive vocabulary, the man yelled, “Fuck you!” “What the fuck are you looking at?” and “You fuckin’ want some?”

The deputies approached the man, who was still holding his Hef, and then moved closer to a nearby car, where they found a shattered bottle of Hennessy intermixed with broken window shards.

Officers then watched as the subject walked up to a different parked car and violently punched out the driver’s side mirror.

Police asked the man, who smelled strongly of alcohol and had dilated pupils, for his name five consecutive times. The wordsmith philosophically replied, “Do I know my name?”

Deputies arrested the subject for public intoxication based upon his apparent drunkenness and aggressive behavior. Barely able to sit up straight, the subject denied the charges and said, “I’m not drunk, I’ll take any test you want; I’ll prove that I’m not drunk.”

When deputies arrived at the foot patrol station with the subject, another unopened Hefeweizen was discovered in his pocket and the officers asked the subject if he still wanted to take a test to prove he wasn’t drunk.

The Hefeweizen honcho then replied, “Why would I want to do that?”

Stand by Your Man

Saturday, June 16, 2:30 a.m. – Deputies arrived at a party on Del Playa Drive after a passerby reported a fight at a party. As soon as deputies walked up to the scene of the fight, the officers witnessed one subject punch a man directly in the face.

Police attempted to arrest the subject for battery, but the victim of the punch, whose nose was bleeding, quickly jumped to his friend’s defense, saying that they were just “playing” and nobody needed to get in trouble.

As the deputies walked away from the scene, a woman approached the police and said her boyfriend was beaten up in another brawl and asked for the officers’ assistance.

Officers then came to the boyfriend’s aid and asked if he wanted to press charges. However, the man could not answer the deputies’ questions, as his concerned girlfriend continually interrupted the police and told an officer he was not doing his job. She continued verbally assaulting the deputy, making demeaning remarks as her boyfriend watched silently.

The officer said he wanted to speak to her boyfriend in private, but the girl refused to leave her man’s side. When the boyfriend still could not get a word in edgewise, the deputy lightly grasped the girl’s wrist and moved her a few feet away.

Instantly, the mute boyfriend proved himself just as loyal to his girlfriend, suddenly regaining the ability to speak. He, too, informed the officer that he was not doing his job correctly. Afterward, the two civil critics walked away happily, arms linked.