Picture this: You’re a guy hanging out at Sam’s To Go, downing a pitcher with your friends and enjoying this sweltering heat, when you catch the eye of a sexy stranger. Flirting ensues, poking and punking each other, and you end up practically begging said stranger to go home with you for some fun. Perhaps it is the heat or the urge of exploring unfamiliar territory, but you find yourself ridiculously aroused, ripping off clothes, banging into things, praying that your beady sweat is mistaken for the flush of sexual desire. The sex starts, and it’s amazing. You two are connecting in a way you didn’t know was possible and the feelings that have been building all day start to peak when, suddenly, your partner passes out on top of you, snoring like a leopard. You give a little shake, then a nudge, then a yell, then a full-blown slap and – nothing. They are down for the count and you are stuck aroused and unsatisfied, cursing the gods for the painful blue balls that slowly begin to set in.

Blue balls, or vasocongestion, are caused by the prolonged stimulation of the penis without orgasm or ejaculation. The buildup of bodily fluids in the balls can be extremely painful, not to mention frustrating enough to make any man want to smack his head against a wall or creepily finish getting himself off while his partner is passed out. Men, you are under no circumstances to use this article to try to coerce some poor person to finish you off when it is just not in the cards. It is nice enough that someone decided to suck your dick even a little bit, so you can’t complain if their jaw starts to hurt and they are simply unable to finish. However, it’s fucked up to get someone going and decide beforehand to tease them and stop oh-so-coyly. This works for the masochistic male, but most guys I know would just get pissed at you for making their junk throb painfully. Some guys will whimper, beg and huff around, but if you’re not being a cock tease, just tell them to jump into a cold shower and cool the fuck down.

Other guys don’t even need any physical stimulation to get things up and ready for action. Excessive flirting in a public place can lead to both the discomfort of blue balls and the ordeal of willing your penis to go down. It is certainly hard to think about anything other than that gorgeous person giving you bedroom eyes or how you would love to tie them up, but no, no, you have to calm down! The best solution to blue balls is to find a private place and let it all go.

For women, sexual arousal and an anti-climactic – pun intended – letdown can lead to similar symptoms, including the pain and frustration of not being able to cum. Women can have blue balls, or actually, blue clit. The proper term is pelvic congestion, which could refer to either a guy or girl not getting theirs when they’re bumping and grinding. Think about that the next time you get a girl super horny and then either bust your load or decide to stop for any reason. Think back to the times girls whined about their jaws hurting, and keep on giving swirlies with your tongue until she screams. The same goes for women. If you like him, don’t stop until you are physically unable. Sex can still be enjoyable without reaching orgasm, but that should be the ultimate goal of any unselfish and giving person in the sack. To make sure everyone gets theirs, mix it up to find what works for each person. Become in tune with your body and help guide your partners. This doesn’t mean shouting out random cardinal directions – “Go north! NORTH! That’s it… now east… not west, east!” – or bitch slapping people who get it wrong. Instead, subtly guide your partner’s fingers, hands and mouth to your special little spots. Now get behind my anti-blue balls campaign and let’s make the world a more free-flowing place, one screw at a time.