Part two of the two-day series looking into my past makes the ‘human rather anxious; there are hunger-striking hippies to make fun of. But, like most other matters dealt with in the Weathercolumn, they can wait until it’s no longer in vogue to insult them.

Terms you should probably know by now if you know me: Weathermate – my adoring significant other/unwilling designated driver. Weatherdate – the intermediate ‘mate when I grow tired of the last. Weatherparents/cousins etc. – family members. Weatherroommates – I hate you. “Feeling under the weather” – my masturbation euphemism.

Tuesday’s Forecast: The Weatherhuman shovels Weatherfat into its Weatherface in front of the… um… protesters.