Eat me out! Toss my salad! Pass the whipped cream! Sometimes with all the sexual connotations deriving from food in the bedroom it is easy to forget that I’m fucking and not at a family picnic. From sexually explicit phrases to common edible aphrodisiacs – think scrumptious seafood – food is delectably interwoven into several aspects of sexuality. So do me a favor and put on a bib, take off your pants and prepare to delve into the endless possibilities of combining food with sex – and whatever other goodies you may find orally stimulating.

Stemming from the name Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love, aphrodisiacs are a number of various forms of stimulation that can cause sexual arousal and excitement. Unless you are going to an X-rated theater, dinner is your best bet for post-dinner sex. Seafood is believed to be especially arousing, so hit up Brophy Brothers down at the Santa Barbara Harbor to get your partner in the mood for some kinky action. However, in the unfortunate event that the smell of raw fish just brings to mind fug nasty girls who don’t wash the coochie, a nice steak house is your next best bet. Some of the best sex and leftover steak and eggs breakfast I’ve had has been after a dinner of sizzling steak with juices running down your face with every nibble and a bottle of wine – another common aphrodisiac. The more expensive the restaurant, the better it is. Funny how for some women, money seems to be the biggest turn-on of all. Also, expensive restaurants have better quality food and softer lighting to hide any unsightly flaws. For you uglies out there, I would suggest just a candle for the ambiance. There is a reason that you don’t take your date to McBarfy’s and it is because the horrible fluorescent lighting makes everyone look hideously blotchy and gross.

After a nice, groin-warming dinner, my next suggestion would be to take dessert with you into the bedroom. Whipped cream, chocolate sauce and fresh fruit not only up the kink factor from the boring, snoring same-old missionary, but they go nicely with accessories such as blindfolds. Try blindfolding your partner and making them guess what type of fruit you feed them. Guys, this is not a good time to just go for the blow job – people like to have warning, so sticking your dick in their mouth when they’re blindfolded is a one-way ticket to teeth marks. However, spreading tempting treats on your member is a good way to coax your partner into giving you oral sex. Everyone may not love the taste of semen, but it’s much better when mixed with butterscotch! You can even offer to eat her out afterward and keep the picnic in bed theme moving. It is imperative that at this time, the party continues in the shower. Unwashed crevices filled with hormone-ridden food can lead to a nasty infection or even mold if left too long. Just clean it up ya’ll! Plus moving arenas and turning from savory to sudsy pretty much starts the fun all over again with the possibilities of shower head and drop-the-soap games.

Specifically sexual edibles, such as edible panties and lubes, also offer a safe way to simultaneously tantalize the body and taste buds. There is nothing sexier than being able to safely and enjoyably lick the gleam off of a stellar body as foreplay. Be cautious of the burning sensation that blueberry lube may have on your nether regions. I know you’ve been warned, but keep in mind the image of spending the night trying to soothe your flaming parts in a cool tub instead of humping your hot lover and take a moment to wipe off the lube right before the sex begins. Trust me, I’m your sex columnist and I know these things all too well.

Food is also an integral part of keeping your body sexy and pert for fornication. Stock up on fruit and good carbs for energy, milk for strong bones, pineapple juice and smiles because I hear it makes cum sweeter. I’ll let you be the taste-testing judge of that one.