Today’s lecture on women’s issues, brought to you via the Weathermate’s nagging, concerns equal slang for equal work: Female masturbatory lingo. We’re all familiar with men’s quips about choking the chicken, turning Japanese, measuring for condoms, receiving a dishonorable discharge and, my favorite, dropping stomach pancakes, but what about the female equivalent? Well, here are a few seasoned descriptions of your secret pastime: carpet cleaning, digging a trench, pearl diving, playing the clitar, jilling off (vs. jacking off), Southern Comfort, electing Bush, beaver baiting and, the mate’s favorite, pulling petals off the ol’ meat flower.

Wednesday’s forecast: UCSB ranks in the Princeton Review as the best place to come into your own.