The year 2007 has kicked off to a promising start. At midnight, I was getting my groove on in West Hollywood, chugging champagne and making suggestive eyes at the hottest guy at the bar. Needless to say, I am young, fabulous, on the verge of graduation and I have made a few resolutions to ensure that this year will be my best yet. Two of the said resolutions can help maximize the benefits from the sex you have this year and make it some of your best sex – physically and emotionally – yet.
First and foremost: Respect. Promise yourself that this year will be free from any of the use and abuse you took last year. Have enough respect for yourself to ignore that person who is repeatedly screwing you over. Embrace this resolution and you can avoid that 2 a.m. booty call from some desperate guy or get away from that tricky girl who only grabs you and flirts with you to gain the jealous attention of the guy she really wants. Otherwise, you’ll fall for someone, get treated like shit, have your heart broken and repeat. It is not to say that I don’t pity the person who gets scorned and rebuffed by their previous partner, but when it becomes a pattern, both parties are to blame.
To receive respect, you must demand respect. Find your man hooking up with another girl in Sharkeez? Slam the door in his face next time he shows up at your door begging for forgiveness. Or maybe your problem is the girl who screams at you one minute and kisses you the next. In that case, kick her psychotic ass to the curb. Here are some helpful facts to help put an end to your self-destructive behavior, and gain the respect from others that I know you deserve.
First, there is no amount of loving, begging or fucking that will make someone change. If he is an asshole to you, he will continue to be an asshole until he learns how to treat a girl properly, which is not something you are required or even able to teach him. Dry your tears, suck it up and promise yourself that the next time he attempts to charm his way into your panties he will fail. If your girlfriend is a soul-sucking bitch, don’t expect her to turn into the domesticated sweetheart you know lies somewhere deep down inside of her. Ask yourself why you return to such abuse, and go from there. If you are returning purely out of physical satisfaction, invest in a vibrator or pocket pussy and say to hell with a partner!
Another resolution of mine is to stay in prime physical shape this year. My completion of this goal, however, is likely to be hindered by a few facts about my lifestyle. First, I really like smoking weed and eating late night burritos, so I’m too much of a stoner to completely cut out my munchies from my diet. I also don’t trust diet pills, especially ones that hire spokespeople like Anna Nicole Smith. It makes me suspicious of the pill’s effect on your brain cells. Thus, my last resort is to embrace a vigorous exercise routine, by which I mean regular, aggressive sexual activity. According to Kerry McCloskey , author of The Ultimate Sex Diet: The Super Sex Diet That Works, a half-hour of vigorous sexual activity can burn approximately 150 calories. Beat that elliptical! Even if you don’t buy those estimates, according to Howard Shapiro, M.D., sexual activity helps to relieve frustration and people who are less frustrated tend to eat less. If you’re looking for a sexercise partner, jump on Facebook.com and start a common interest group, and think of it more like a jazzercise class than an orgy and the weight will slide off.
It’s a new year and it’s finally time to buckle down and fulfill those resolutions that will make for a positive change in your sex life. Give the toxic partner in your life the boot, start having sexercise as much as humanly possible and start this year off with a sex life worth bragging about between classes.