Tis’ the season to be jolly. Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Time to pack up the mashed Republicans and gravy leftovers from the midterm elections and get out the mistletoe and nutcrackers for ’08. Pundits and proletariat! Get on your marks! Set bets! VOTE! Not quite yet. Slow down. Take a deep breath. Reflect.
The 2006 elections are over. It was good for me, George. How was it for you? What’s that? Your candy-red ass hurts? Virginia and Montana are two very big states to take up the ass. How about for the next two years, everything that isn’t part of an extremely liberal agenda gets labeled as unpatriotic. How about instead of wiretapping the Students Against War at UC Santa Cruz, we wiretap the College Republicans at UC Santa Cruz? For the next two years, anyone who supports a divisive war that drains U.S. resources and destabilizes an entire region should be labeled as unpatriotic, or at least a fanatical moron.
Don’t worry, neo-cons, the great thing about us liberals is that we feel you should always have the right to free speech even if you are just going to say something idiotic and offensive. We probably won’t even call you “girlie men,” because liberals realize that being a woman or effeminate isn’t a crime. It isn’t even a bad character trait. Likewise, I’m sure the homosexuals among us will be glad to let you keep your heterosexual partner as long as you tied the knot before Nov. 7th, 2006. Imagining is fun.
Because as much as I’d like to ban heterosexual marriages and civil unions, I also am aware that not much will change. But Errrriicc! You told us to vote! You said we could make a difference! Sorry, I lied. This is more awkward then the time my mom found a bong on the kitchen counter when I didn’t smoke pot.
The truth is, nothing has really changed. Politics will still be fought like war. Both parties will continue to view compromise as cutting and running. It’s been like this for years. The political system has been moving and changing and evolving and breathing. The thing that is so powerful about America is not its flags, nor pledges of allegiance or even its nuclear monstrosities, but its Constitution, its Bill of Rights and its federalist system of checks and balances. It is this balance and continual opportunity to amend itself and grow that makes America strong.
Twelve years of Republican control is like sleeping on your arm till its about to fall off. The world is changing and we can’t always trust our future to the status quo. It’s the 21st century. The Republicans have lied to us. They’ve endangered American hegemony and failed to prepare us for the future. They need a bit of timeout to think about what they did and to get ready for when we need them again in 2036.
Until then, I’d like to see some change in America. I think some other people would too. That’s why we gave the Democrats a chance to fight through the quagmire of Washington. And if they can’t get results, then we have no choice but bloody revolution. Or get ready to vote in ’08!
The truth is America is still a polarized nation. The Democrats do not have a mandate, and neither did Bush. What worries me is the chance that the Democrats will pull a Bush and act like they were given a mandate. I like the liberal little buggers and I am afraid if they act like they have a mandate, they will alienate the middle. I am also afraid that if Democrats don’t act like they have a mandate and don’t fight hard for change, they will alienate the middle. Either way, I’m afraid the Dem will lose in ’08. And strangely enough, all I can think about is ’08. I’m finding myself drifting off and waking up with apostrophe-zero-eight tattooed in areas of my body I didn’t know existed. I’m finding myself sleepwalking along DP asking hustlers if they know where I can get some ’08. I’ve been building a time machine in my bathtub to try and get to ’08. I’ve even attempted to talk to the space aliens that rule the universe – blessed be the Scientology – to adjust the space-time continuum to make it ’08. No luck, and T. Cruise could not be reached for comment. Until ’08 I’m terribly upset, right here every Friday, in “Freedom Territory.”
Daily Nexus columnist Eric Hedlund should probably have those parts of his body that he didn’t know about checked out by a dermatologist.