The last time that a large group of stupid, drunken hippies, like the fine readers of this newspaper, forgot to vote, our country passed the 18th Amendment, resulting in alcohol prohibition. Frankly, you hippies never seem to learn, and that’s all right by me. I don’t like you flower people. I think you smell bad, and the granola crumbs in your pants are a dead giveaway that you’re worth less than dirt.
Look hippies, this isn’t personal. Most of you dreaded-out hippies don’t register to vote, and I applaud you. But some of you hippies have been getting all high on your methamphetamines and trying to vote. Hippies shouldn’t vote. Only rich people should vote, and they should shower before and after.
It’s about history. King George was this English swinger who used to be the only one who could vote. A true hippie, he didn’t even have a job; instead he voted all day. The Revolutionary War was fought so no hippies could vote. America won that war, and from 1776-1976, no hippies ran our country. Skip ahead to 1976 when some hippies elected this total sleazeball hippie named Carter to run the place. Using his robotic brain, liberal Carterbot destroyed America. A hippie.
Hippies are all over the country these days: on college campuses and in bus stops, in suburbia and in jails, in the community and maybe even in your very own home. There’s nothing to get too alarmed about; they’re not violent and they’ll probably just eat everything in your fridge and then pass out on the floor. The danger of hippies is when they get in the voting booth, voting away with their little pens full of ink aplenty.
I want to tell you about the hippie agenda: it’s empty, just like the stomach of a hippie’s mud-caked infant lovechild. Hippies don’t have agendas. They want to turn our colleges into clown colleges and our parking lots into loitering parks. They’ll ruin the country by being pansies. We have several wars to fight. It’s the worst time possible for the hip agenda. Plus, hippies are soft on our economy, which would drive up the value of the Chinese yuan against the dollar. Then China would have nothing to lose in sending a few Optimus Prime Transformer Robots over the Pacific to horribly slaughter 100 million Americans in their sleep! Hippies are dangerous.
But don’t worry, as long as one more unhip person votes than the swingers, we can make America worth living in again, free from granola and the pollution caused by granola factories. It won’t take one vote but many. You can vote to save freedom! We can vote against flag burning. The burning of synthetic fabrics is harmful to the air and water. People should only be allowed to burn the constitution, treaties and other boring articles of paper – books, maybe. We could vote against female hippies that want control of their own bodies. Not in my cave, ma’am! We can get rid of lots of hippies if we dumb down the Fourth Amendment. If we vote for it, maybe we can even turn this country into a dictatorship like it always should have been, as long as the dictator isn’t a hippie. The former cheerleader probably isn’t gonna work either – sorry, Big George.
Right now, we’ve got the dirty commie hippies fooled and high on the grass. They think voting doesn’t change anything so they don’t vote, but if they voted regularly, they would become a solid voting bloc that would be respected. It’s better if all the hippies just drink and smoke Jah Rasta Grass instead of voting, oblivious to the fact that their voting could make a giant impact on history. So remember not to tell your hippie friends that next Monday is the last day to register to vote in the state of California. And certainly don’t tell them that there are important ballot propositions that could affect them. And for the love of god, keep Measure P top-secret. Tell them it decriminalizes… police brutality.
Remember to register your high-class Orange County self to vote and your vagabond Humboldt hippie friends for the draft. Keep America free of Optimus Prime.
Daily Nexus columnist Eric Hedlund firmly believes that foreign-born neocons like Optimus Prime should never be allowed to run for president.