The scream from the bathroom could have woken the dead. My friend sat horrified on the toilet holding what could only be described as a bright yellow deflated balloon – which she had just pulled out of her vagina. I was absolutely mystified at her circus-like antics, until I realized that balloon was nothing but a used condom that got lost in a drunken sexual romp. Talk about a serious sexual faux pas. Giving birth to anything, especially a piece of slimy latex, is not how I like to reminisce about sex from the night before. My experience with this matter goes only as far as seeing it happen to a close friend, but most everyone has experienced some sort of sexual mishap either during or after sex. Today, I’m going to play naughty nurse and tell you how to prevent some of these sexual pickles from ever occurring, and also present to you my personal sexual etiquette that you all should follow. So snap on your latex gloves, jump into those stirrups and let’s get down… but hopefully not too dirty.

Sex smells. It’s a combination of fluids, sweat, cum and general personal hygiene. For a post-coital hour, the smell can be a major turn-on, but eventually, sex also rots. And by the way, yes, I can smell it on you from two feet away, and it’s fucking gross. First and foremost: wash the coochie, honey. After any sexual tryst, no person, male or female, should go more than twelve hours without scrubbing the nether regions. I do not mean douching either, just a simple, soapy lather to wash away sexual fluids. Cleanliness is the first step to getting head, and everyone likes head. The better you smell and taste, the more likely your partner is to give a repeat performance. If your junk smells, do not be surprised if this leads to nausea, vomiting, refusal of sex and possible public humiliation and ridicule. Hell, make cleaning part of your sexual routine and move from the bedroom to the shower. Going down on someone in the shower is a relief because you know they’re clean. Plus, a little showerhead action thrown in can make for a very satisfying finish. Ladies, also remember to pee after sex every time to prevent a painful urinary tract infection. Trust me, the bolt to the bathroom after sex, even the messy no-condom, juice-running-down-your-leg sprint, is worth not having to deal with a UTI.

Beware of too much hair down there. Personal preference for grooming shapes is understandable, but fur burgers are not. At the very least, politely trim your pubic hair so that your partner doesn’t have to safari through the jungle to find his prey. Personally, I prefer waxing because it prevents unsightly razor burn, lasts longer than shaving and causes a smoothness that men definitely appreciate. This approach is not for the weak-willed or men, most of who would rather have a bullet to the head than wax their precious balls. Also, be prepared if you think you may have some sort of sexual encounter. The failure to remove body hair, a common way to stop oneself from sex with a random, will not prevent you from hooking up after a drunken night on the town. Obviously if you have to force yourself to have that self-control, it’s not going to be there after a few vodka tonics anyway.

If I am nice enough to swallow, you better fucking kiss me afterward. Oral sex, although fun, is still work for the person doing the sucking and the blowing, and should be rewarded afterward. The suggestion of a mint is fine, but a flat-out refusal is insulting and a definite salting of your own game. When a guy refuses to kiss me afterward, I automatically wonder if his penis is so polluted that he wouldn’t go near it, and I don’t fuck people who have skuzzy, sewage-smelling shafts. Smegma is a no go.

The knowledge that you are clean, groomed and ready for action will boost your self-esteem and the amount of attention you will receive from potential hump buddies. Proceed forward with the self-confidence that makes you attractive to others and, therefore, a better lay. In the jungle, always keep your trouser snake tidy and your beaver well groomed in anticipation of animal playtime.

Daily Nexus sex columnist Jenny Paradise also recommends you sharpen your sword before entering lush, uncharted territory.