It was a balmy morning in Isla Vista – 2 a.m. to be exact – and after a few successful rounds of flip cup and beer pong, I had a man on my arm and was on a hormone-driven mission home. Out of nowhere, my potential key to pleasure was snatched from my arm and replaced with a grumpy I.V. Foot Patrol officer who proceeded to grill me. I squinted at the officer, wondering why he had picked me out of the crowd. Was it my exceptional ass? I smiled. If he wanted to pick me up, he’d have to wait his turn! First he wanted to know my name, so I gave him the “Jenny…[pause and raise eyebrow seductively] Jenny Paradise.” Guys have always liked when I used my last name. It always prompted a discussion of various ways to be in paradise. Next, he cuffed me, and I knew that this guy was kinky. My mind sped through the sex toys I could use to keep up. I was slightly miffed when I was thrown in the van with about eight other guys. Hello, gangbang! Whatever, they would have to stop and get me some caffeine if they wanted me to have the energy for all of these drunken hooligans.
When I eventually found myself in a cell with a fucking nutcase named Debbie who kept screaming for her pills, I realized I had been duped into being arrested because I thought it was some sick fantasy of mine that finally had the chance to play out. The gnarly bruises on my wrists wouldn’t be part of a sexual tryst involving handcuffs, whipped cream and orgasms. Not only did the IVFP squash my authority fantasy before it began, but they completely trashed my game with some eye candy I had so carefully scouted playing with a dog on the beach earlier that day. Fuck you very much officers, I super appreciate it.
Teaching assistants, bosses, resident assistants, men in uniform, hell, even bartenders – the take charge attitude and position of power these people have scream sex. I believe it’s the female version of the common male fantasy of docile schoolgirls and librarian-type sex fiends. Think your TA is cute? Show up to section with an innocent question paired with pigtails and a short skirt. He’ll have you bent over his desk and reciting the elements of the periodic table with each thrust. Or, invite your physics TA over for a few games of King’s Cup and Drunk Jenga. Games are effective in easing awkward tension and instigating impromptu lessons in the bedroom. Soon, the acceleration and fluid friction between your concave and his convex could lead to simple harmonic motion and really good sex. There is no shame in shamelessly exploiting your sexuality to gain something from an authority figure. Note how I do not say “whoring yourself out for drugs/booze/any other sort of material possession.” Just say no to money and gifts for sex… unless of course there is a grade on the line. A+ for a blowjob, holler!
Flirting with your resident authority can have many benefits, especially when you may have a slight tendency to be written up for breaking those silly dorm rules, like underage drinking and throwing food in the dining commons. Write-up slips can disappear into thin air! If you have a disposition for disaster in the halls, try working your charm on your resident authority. You may even get away with drunkenly skinny-dipping in the FT pool if you are on the in with your resident authority. However, beware of bitches spreading lies about you in the line at Freebirds on a Friday night. If successful in your seduction attempts, jealousy and misinformation could lead to vicious rumors of you taking it in the ass from your much older former resident director.
So, I finally got out of my fucking jail cell after 12 sex-deprived and fantasy-shattering hours. After smoking a freedom bowl and napping with a fellow convict, I learned that while older, powerful men may make you wet with fantasy, bad, tattooed boys you meet in jail can make you forget any fantasy involving authority… twice in one night, and once again in the morning.
Daily Nexus sex columnist Jenny Paradise has also had her fair share of fantasies involving the authority of a certain Opinion editor.