It’s mud-wrestling season on Capitol Hill, and it seems everybody wants to strip down and wrestle virile young men a fraction of their age in a deep puddle of thick gooey sex-mud. Of course, I’m referring to the midterm election season and the scandal that may become the most important event ever – sex. I can’t say I know exactly what it is, how it works, if I’ll ever have it or if it exists at all, but I do know it’s making a stink on Capitol Hill – a semen and soggy cigar stink, that is.

I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say thank God and his son, Jesus. It’s about time for a sex scandal. The boys on the Hill have been working hard and it’s made them all sweaty – the acrid odors are eeking down the halls of Congress, and the vapors are wafting like the waves off the hot Miami coast – making everyone think strange thoughts and see apparitions. Finally, some time to kick back and relax, and speak softly of sweet nothings that a dirty old man instant-messaged to a sixteen-year-old.

For those of you living in a cave, it was exposed this week that three years ago, Representative Mark Foley sent some very hot and sexy messages to a male House Page. The scandal has been a typical media parade, distracting attention away from far less important issues, such as the preservation of American hegemony in the 21st century. Sex scandals aren’t just more important than real news, they’re grrreat!

By the way, I couldn’t decide what cereal to have this morning. At first, I thought I ought to have my Pops, but then my Senator called me and said his tricks were for kids. I couldn’t find a bowl, so I had to cup my grape nuts. In the end, I joined the Navy under the assumption that me and the 72-year-old captain could make it happen. Never mind, that’s not important. But, sex scandals are.

Most people who don’t vote claim it’s because politics don’t affect them. That’s no longer true in Sex Scandal season. I don’t know about you, but I never even heard of a blowjob ’til Special Investigators put it on the front page of the paper while I was in middle school. Let me tell you though, after that scandal the blowjobs came faster than a 101 mudslide. Special Investigators could be making headway on a plethora of other issues like corruption, false intelligence, the outing of CIA operatives or the problem of well-planned partisan press leaks, but those things are boring. Sex is fascinating. I want to hear more about older men seducing young bucks. How exactly does butt sex work? Can same-sex couples pull off a feat of clintonesque cigar trickery? What other surprising things are there to discover about what those crazy politicians will do in their spare time three years ago?

Anyway, Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert announced this past week that he would not resign amidst the scandal. That’s because Speaker Hastert won’t go down. What I mean is, he believes this election is about important issues. No, he’s not talking about our economic blunders, rising American poverty, diplomatic dysfunction, failure to dispose of exponentially increasing tons of nuclear waste, shifting global economic systems, genocide or even sex scandal cover-ups and their subsequent press leaks. He’s taking about more important things: “a great economy” and “a secure border”. God knows our economy has never been stronger. He even told me so. Additionally, I am quite delighted about the hundreds of billions of dollars that the House recently decided to spend on construction of the Great Wall of Texas. I just hope it works as well as the Great Wall of China.

In the end the issues will never be as important as a good bout of thick bronchial laughter. Thank you, Washington. And thank you, Mr. Foley.

If there are any virgins, freaks or losers who don’t care about sex scandals and want to have their voices heard, they should register to vote before Oct. 23.

Daily Nexus columnist Eric Hedlund likes to eat popcorn while watching C-SPAN.