Has it ever happened to you? You and your cousin Iran start drinking heavily and you two get in a fight and now, six years later, cousin Iran is putting together a nuclear program, but you two still aren’t talking? Awkward! It happened to my friend George. George – I think I’d like to have a beer with George. You know, George!

This is how global politics always work. I’m sick of it. It’s always some guy with an unpronounceable name making weapons of mass destruction. Only a few people should be able to annihilate large portions of our solar system. It’s a club not everybody can be in, like a sorority. I’ll rush Delta Gamma again.

George, my friend, the problem is, if you let two ugly fat chicks into your club – that would be India and Pakistan – you have to let them all in, or at least give king-sized KitKat bars to the losers. If those French pansies get nukes, why can’t North Korea? Togo has been good for a long time, how come communist China gets nukes instead of them?

Why is this club so special anyway? What is so bad about mass destruction? I thought we liked it when people have WMDs. That’s how we were able to invade Iraq. Heck, if Mexico had WMDs we could invade tomorrow. Operation Aye Cabron! Of course, I’m joking. It would be silly to invade a country not filled with sweet black oil.

Nukes are special because they are a status symbol. I remember when I first came to UCSB and bought myself my $89 Nikishi wonder bike. I was the happiest little clam in the bay. Finally people would love me for who I was. Finally people would look at my bike and realize how wonderful I was. Imagine how I cried my first day of school – like a pitiful child. Everyone had a bike. My special bike was not really special. Not special in global politics means Canada. No one wants to be Canada, not even Ghana.

In the zoo, there are many animals – monkeys, aardvarks and of course, pandas. Monkeys can have nukes because they are smart. Pandas, like Israel, can have nukes because they’re cute and almost extinct. Everyone knows you can’t give an Aardvark a nuke. It’s because their names are too hard to pronounce and they aren’t monkeys. Aardvarks are like bad guys and George would like us to believe that Iranians are like aardvarks, but it isn’t that simple.

Aardvarks are from Africa.

Iran isn’t like other people in the nuclear club. It’s not a good fit. Like the time I tried to slim down to fit in a red sequined prom dress. Prom was embarrassing anyway. But I’m digressing.

I think the real question is, what is our problem with Iran? Are we afraid they are loco? I think we have a little problem with prejudice in our country. Not everyone is white. There were four colors in the set of crayons I got from Denny’s, and one of them broke, but the colors that didn’t break were white, black and red. Iranians are like Native Americans. This means they were here first. That shouldn’t scare us. It just means we have to make a disparaging treaty with them in which we get oil rights in exchange for beads.

Once we understand one another we can begin to work with one another for something really important: free king-sized KitKat bars for losers. I think maybe we need to set George up on a blind date with destiny. One more drink for peace, George. A treaty is different than a war. It’s more… diplomatic. Kind of a sissy word, but it could work. Make sure they sign above the dotted line and remember, this time, don’t choke on the bar pretzels.

Eric Hedlund is a junior film studies major.