I often find myself with that obnoxiously brief stretch of time between classes. You know the gap: too short to go home, but too long to just sit around doing nothing. It varies from half an hour to an hour, but it’s always there, teasing me, poking at my stomach and mind, reminding me that there are more important things I should be doing, but not enough time to do them.
After enduring enough of these breaks, I’ve realized the only way to pass the time is with the almighty quickie.
Just a text message away to an unsuspecting lover and you’ll be filling that gap in no time, so to speak. The proposal and the promise for him will be enough foreplay, and the anticipation of a passionate, brief encounter will definitely leave a girl wet and ready.
The quickie can be slightly tricky though. First, you must have someone in mind who has nothing to do, or someone who is wrapped around your little finger and would skip class just to sniff your panties. As a woman, I find tracking down my booty call is easy at any time of the day, as most men would drop everything to get laid. For boys, it’s a little tougher. All the girls I know are multitaskers, able to pay attention in lecture while simultaneously dreaming up all the naughty things they’ll do to you afterwards. You’ll have to lure us to your lairs with promises of an enticing, sexy surprise that won’t take long but will assuredly brighten our day.
Second, you must learn to skip all pleasantries that accompany sex, like the greeting, the conversation, the beers and the make-out session. When you’re on a tight schedule, you need to prioritize. If your booty call doesn’t understand this, and thinks you’re there to cuddle and coo afterward, you clearly aren’t on the same page. You tell that needy girl that, “Baby, you aren’t missing class, you’re enhancing it,” and then cut out of there as quick as you can.
You also need somewhere convenient to go, but luckily it’s much easier to kick a roommate out of a room on a beautiful day rather than in the middle of the night when he has nowhere to go.
The benefits of the quickie are so compelling, it’s a wonder not everyone goes at it all the time.
Let’s take the recent weather into account. Whether it’s a slightly rainy day or a beautiful sunny afternoon, the weather is perfect for time-conscious lovemaking. The raindrops will seem more bearable, and the sun will be even more dazzling. Bottom line: Sex makes it all better.
Is your lecture extremely boring, and the only reason you go is because your professor takes roll or gives obnoxious pop quizzes? Be prepared to be 100 percent less annoyed. Not only did you make it to class for one of those silly quizzes, but you’re even glad to take it, with your mind still reeling from that simultaneous climax and the slight stickiness on your neck from her mouth and tongue. Fuck yes; you’ll take that quiz – right after you smell your fingers.
When you finally arrive home after class, you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment. Normally, in answer to your roommate’s questioning, your day would have been “okay”: just the basic class time wasting, wondering what will be on TV when you get home. When you add sex to the regular mix, no day will ever be “okay.” Your days will now be awesome. Everyone will be jealous that you get to have sex whenever you want, and they’ll be even more jealous that you aren’t allowing it to ruin your academic career at UCSB. You’re like the Super Gaucho: You aren’t failing your classes and you get laid whenever you snap your fingers. With a day like that, how could it ever be “okay” again?
Trust me, you’ll find it easier to concentrate after a quickie, and, alternately, you’ll have something tangible and fascinating to daydream about in your lecture when you don’t feel like concentrating. Later on, you can call your lady and say “Hey, that was fun. What are you doing later tonight?” Because we all know that the only thing better than a quickie is having sex multiple times per day.
After her last quickie, Daily Nexus columnist Nina Love Anthony accidentally moaned aloud in class when her professor probed her for a response.