Sex etiquette is a tricky thing. What one person allows to slide, another will chastise ruthlessly. But because it is my job to write about sex every week and my word is law, I have compiled a general list of sexual no-nos that every person should cease practicing this moment – partly because they are representative of bad sexual habits, and partly because they really piss me off.
First we have the slip. I’m sure some of you ladies have probably experienced it. It’s very simple, it goes like this: naked, naked, making out, still naked, touching, naked, and then, the deal-breaking [[ok]] realization: “That’s not a finger.”
The slip is unacceptable. All you need to do is ask. Just one question, “Condom?” and you are on easy street halfway to climax. Regardless, you must always, always ask.
You also must wear a condom. If a girl lets you put your naked penis in her, chances are she’s probably let a few other random guys let it slide, too. And those guys probably have gotten away with it before on other girls, who have, in turn, allowed other guys to give them the slip as well. So many people, and here you thought it was just you and her. Wrap it up, Casanova.
There is also another kind of slip that is unacceptable. I refer to it as the “backdoor” slip. It occurs when a man “mistakenly” inserts himself into a woman’s “backdoor.” What the hell is that? You boys insult a woman’s intelligence with this move: Do you think we can’t tell the difference? Sure, the vagina and anus are in close proximity of each other, but they feel about as different as you getting punched in the thigh and then getting punched in the balls. And honestly, you deserve no better than to be punched in the nuts if you commit this heinous breach in manners in the bedroom.
This next one is for the ladies: Faking an orgasm. Oftentimes, the desire to fake one arises from the need to do what you feel is expected of you – achieving climax. Women can feel embarrassed that they aren’t getting there, but why should you feel embarrassed because he isn’t taking direction well? Nothing is achieved by faking an orgasm – except for you being unsatisfied and making a loser feel like a God. No, better to advise him to rest his neck for round two, because he is going to learn how to please a woman, even if it takes all night.
Also, I’ve heard of guys faking climax, and that perplexes me, so that needs to stop everywhere, too. Do guys really fool anyone? Creepy.
Our next stop at sex finishing school is basic hygiene. It seems like it should go without saying, but somehow everyone has a general complaint about someone in their past stinking up the moment. The general rule is: Take a shower, use soap – and not just once or twice a week, but daily. If you are wondering why she won’t go down on you, it’s probably because your balls smell like a boys’ locker room. If you are wondering why he won’t go down on you, it’s because you smell like feet. Hygiene is not just necessary to have good sex, it is also necessary in other things, like life itself. So take a shower and clean your special places because smelling bad is almost as offensive as beating up puppies and kittens.
Finally, I round out my list with kink. I’m not knocking your kink, and I’m not saying give your kinky shit up, I’m just saying you should leave the heavy stuff at home when you are just casually hooking up. Saying things like “I’ll be Mommy and you be Daddy” or demanding that your new hookup piss in your mouth can ruin the moment. Save it for someone you can trust and who is actually going to seriously consider doing it for you, not just laugh, turn around and write a column about it.
My greatest wish is that no one would ever have to go through any of these experiences. Manners and hygiene go a long way in the bedroom, so keep it polite and keep it clean.
Until you get to know someone, then you can get as vulgar and as filthy as you like.
Daily Nexus sex columnist Nina Love Anthony loves puppies, just don’t try to slip them through her backdoor.