The plan for the rest of my life is due at the end of the quarter and I’ve been procrastinating rather badly on it. I mean, I’ve barely touched the thing and there’s the deadline, hovering all big and foreboding on the horizon.

You see, for the past twenty-two years of my life, I’ve been in one school after another, all working towards this vague goal of preparing for “life in the real world.” But now that “the real world” is so nearby, I’m beginning to realize that I know little to nothing about what “the real world” requires.

Sure, I can dissect a Shakespearean sonnet and blather on about rhyme scheme and how it relates to theme, but what does that have to do with making the money to buy the book of Shakespearean sonnets?

I really should be trying to figure that out right now, but instead I’m working on this column. That should illustrate how badly I’m procrastinating on the whole life plan thing – because I’m always procrastinating in regard to this column.

I was supposed to work on my life plan yesterday, but instead I watched VH1 and ate applesauce. Did you know that a good jar of unsweetened applesauce is better than freaking ice cream? It’s true. Mix it in with marathon pop-culture-oriented television and you can go for hours. And I guess that, technically, that could’ve been construed as research. I mean, it is called “Celebreality.”

I guess I could’ve worked on practical applications of my research once the Flavor Flav came on for the 34th time this week, but by then I really needed a nap. Those kids that live upstairs are always partying through the night so I get relatively tired around three o’clock in the afternoon. If it weren’t for those damn kids (who apparently think that me banging on the ceiling with a broom handle is just my way of joining in on their fun) I might have gotten that whole life thing hammered out before bedtime.

Now that I think about it, spending my past few years at university disdaining my peers’ partying ways may have been a misstep on my part. Since mainlining tequila is so widely prescribed during the college years, maybe it’s a necessary aspect of gaining perspective on real life. As many a drunken colleague has slurred to me, college will be the last point at which one can participate in a marathon keg stand contest without serious social consequences.

Well, my inebriated compatriots, maybe you’ve been right all along. Maybe what I need to get on with planning out the rest of my life is a good stiff shot of whiskey. Or whatever it is that you kids are drinking these days.

Besides, if that doesn’t work out, the ensuing hangover will at least give me something else to whine about for awhile.

And isn’t that what really matters in life? Knowing what to whine about at any given time: A good, solid system.

Daily Nexus columnist Bri Lafond will be the one with the beer can helmet at graduation.