Halloween is almost upon us once again. As I begin to bar my doors against the onslaught of drunkenness and debauchery surely to ensue this coming weekend, I find myself thinking about what you, my peers, are concerning yourselves with. While I’m ordering plywood with which to board up my windows, most of you are planning on what you’re going to wear this holiday season. I figured that I would take a moment’s rest from stocking my apartment with supplies to hold me through the weekend to give y’all some costuming advice.

There are basically only about five different kinds of costumes and one wears each kind of costume with a certain intent in mind. Why bother picking a costume willy-nilly when you can get right to the heart of things?

Category One: Naughty Nurse/Naughty Police Officer/Naughty

People who dress up as medical professionals, law enforcement officials, and various other occupation-oriented costumes inevitably end up going as the “naughty” variety of said profession. So, really, your costume choice isn’t about your deeply-seeded desire to one day grow up to be a phlebotomist or CHP officer, but it’s more about showing off some T & A. Save yourselves the trouble of going out and hunting down an elaborate costume. Just wear some lingerie or something.

Category Two: Naughty Butterfly/Naughty Flower/Naughty

News flash: adding those seven dollar grocery store bumblebee wings made out of recycled hangers and cheese cloth to panties and a camisole does not constitute a bumblebee costume. Even adding those pricey headbands with springs and foam to look like antennae does not make a viable bumblebee costume. People who choose this sort of costume (which also includes fairies, pixies and various other synonyms) are reacting to a primal urge to be closer to, well, “the birds and the bees.” Don’t bother. Just wear some lingerie or something.

Category Three: Witch/Vampire/Ghost/

Don’t try to act innocent. Does a classic witch costume include a neckline that plunges past your navel? Does a standard vampire costume come with fishnet stockings and six-inch high stilettos? When was the last time you heard of a ghost with cleavage? I’ll tell you when: last Halloween on DP. People in this category are deluding themselves when they think they’re representing the old-fashioned spirit of Halloween. You’re on DP with the rest of the primped and puckered student body and wearing some dime-store plastic fangs with your bustier does not in any way make it a vampire costume. Quit trying to be holier than thou. Just wear some lingerie or something.

Category Four: Ghostface/A Penis/Convict/Storke Tower/

This category is made up of all the costumes guys might choose to wear. But, in reality, guys don’t particularly care what they wear on Halloween. They’re out on DP to ogle all the girls (and boys) in their scantily-clad glory. Don’t bother to dress up. Walk around shirtless or something.

Category Five: Link/Zelda/Yoshi/Spongebob Squarepants/

This category of people is actually interested in dressing up as the character they’ve chosen to go as.

I hate to be the one to break this to you if you’re in this category, but…

No one cares.

Not a single person is going to appreciate it if you wander around on DP dressed as King Koopa. Not one. All that time you spent fashioning an exact replica of Mr. Krabs from Spongebob is wasted on the streets of DP. The best thing to do is to have an insulated party amongst your like-minded friends where you can admire one another’s ingenuity in safety.

If you do decide to venture outside, just wear some lingerie or something.

As sacred – well, rather – as debauched as Halloween is around here, I know that there are going to be several hostile reactions to my shameless categorization of your treasured slutty outfits. So, just to let you know: I’m already in my Halloween-proof bunker.

Have a nice day.

Daily Nexus columnist Bri Lafond is a naughty columnist.