Foreplay? Fore-PLEASE. If I run across one more kid who thinks it is proper etiquette to just stick it in, I’m going to scream. Why can’t we be more like the French – a minimum of three orgasms before penetration? I’d even settle for the four hours of begging that Jewish foreplay entails. Anything would be better than the Isla Vista buildup of five beer bongs and the eventual letdown after four minutes of disinterested bouncing.
It’s time to start being realistic about having good sex. You boys better stop thinking that if you don’t put your penis in something immediately, then your chance is gone forever. And you ladies need to start cracking the whip and make sure you’re nice and slick for the ride instead of just laying there waiting for things to improve.
I realize that sometimes foregoing the foreplay is necessary. That is just straight fucking and that is powerful stuff. However, a night full of bedroom eyes, wayward brushes of the hand and extremely suggestive conversation that can lead up to fucking is, in a sense, its own form of foreplay.
Foreplay is to sex what preparation is to a good steak. You aren’t just going to take the frozen meat out of the freezer, throw it in the microwave and then eat it raw, you animal. You want to defrost it first, season it with your favorite juices and spices, make sure it’s nice and tender, then clean the grill, light it up, put it on, cook it right and savor every bite. Maybe even lick your fingers afterwards.
The right amount of buildup to sex is key. If you play your cards right, touch him in the right places and whisper the right things, both you and your partner are basically guaranteed to have great sex. Ladies are more likely to stay properly, if not intensely, lubricated, and men, well what isn’t there to love about having that at the tip of your – fingers?
Another reason foreplay is fantastic is because you really get to know your partner past the whole introduction thing. Sure, you know her name, but did you know that the little space where her earlobe meets her neck will get her dropping her pants faster than George Michael in a public restroom? Or did you know that if you stroke the space right above his hip bone, it’s possible that he’ll tell you his Social Security Number just to keep it going? I mean, not like you’d ever use it…. That would be morally reprehensible, but you might as well get a few meals out of that one – you know what I’m saying?
Along the lines of getting to know your partner better, foreplay is a great indicator as to what you can expect in the sack. If he’s pulling out all the stops and driving you wild, you have a pretty good idea of what you have in store for you penetration-wise. However, if he looks like he’s a sheep who’s lost his flock down there, it’s time to put the poor thing out of his misery. You don’t need to spend your whole night coaching when you thought you were going to get laid. Suggestions are one thing; an entire play-by-play is a labor of love. Contrary to popular belief, bad sex is not better than not getting laid at all. Save yourself.
Prolonged foreplay is also a chance to get to know yourself. You may walk away from the entire encounter amazed at what you never knew could turn you on. A pinky, a forearm, your bellybutton – there are endless possibilities. And maybe you didn’t get her number, but you certainly took away some important life lessons that your parents have no idea they’re paying for.
Plus, if you spend enough time with a person, there is a better chance that you’ll remember what they look like, so that in the morning, you don’t just shrug your shoulders after the classic vague description of “nice rack and long hair.” Now you can elaborate with “nice rack, long brown hair, big ass, soft hands.” See? It makes a world of difference.
So lay your lady on down, or throw that boy on his back. It’s going to be a long night, but it’ll be good. I promise.
Daily Nexus sex columnist Nina Love Anthony keeps an extra pair of BBQ tongs under her bed, just in case her man can’t control his own meat.