Now is about the time during the school year that I begin to tune out of my classes. If I attend, I either spend my time sleeping or wondering what kind of kink the guy next to me digs.

So if the rest of you sleepers and dreamers out there are looking for something more interesting to do than pay attention, allow me to introduce to you some of my favorite pastimes. The following are games that will distract you and delight the senses — the kind that will either get you a little puffy down there or give you a big, fat softy. Usually these work best when you have someone you already know at your side, but these games are a great way to meet that stranger who is falling asleep on your shoulder. They are also excellent study deterrents guaranteed to piss off anybody who is trying to get work done at the library.

Let’s start off with a real crowd pleaser. This one is called the “Awkward Orgy.” Choose three incredibly dissimilar people, either friends or celebrities, and imagine an orgy. The best example I can give would be Maya Angelou, Stephen Hawking and Celine Dion. You must consider positions, postcoital pillow talk and how the three-way initially came about. Did Stephen propose it to Maya during a humanitarian awards banquet at which Celine Dion was performing? Does Maya have a filthy mouth in the sack? Does Celine spit because she doesn’t want anything to affect her vocal chords? This game also works well blending a healthy mix of friend and celebrity. For example: the girl on your left, the token sexy TA and Hillary Clinton. Obviously, Hillary takes charge, but who gets to be her number-one bitch?

Another three-way game, which runs on the similar premise of involving friends and celebrities alike, is “Fuck, Marry, Kill.” Pick three acquaintances or celebrities that are either incredibly attractive or incredibly disgusting, then pick one to screw, one to marry, and one to kill off. So, it would run the course of Angelina Jolie, Carmen Electra and Jessica Simpson, or, on the opposite spectrum, it could be Andy Dick, Gilbert Gottfried and Robin Williams. I realize it’s tempting, but you cannot kill them all.

On a more personal note, “Saliva Brothers and Sisters” is a great way to get a good understanding about how similar your tastes are to your friends’. Simply think of the people you have made out with that a friend has also slobbered over. Be prepared for some whammies here: long forgotten hookups seem to sneak out of the woodwork. Now you can call each other “bro” and really, truly mean it.

This next one can either be worked around perfect strangers or awkward acquaintances. “Who Would You Do” is the perfect game to pass time with your friends. All you do is pick two people around you and muse over which one you would rather do. It works well if the competitors are somewhat in the same physical league because that requires much more consideration. The choice between platinum and pond scum is clear. The choice between paper and plastic is perplexing. It also works well with acquaintances: your father’s newest wife or your good-looking cousin? On one hand, you’re related to your cousin, but on the other hand, you’re getting sloppy seconds from your dad. And from the looks of your plastic step-mom, she’s only around for one thing.

Finally, my favorite: the “I Win” game. If you have ever hooked up with anyone from Isla Vista, this game is for you. If you haven’t, you are lying. You need a group of friends to play this game. The rules are simple: the first person to see someone they have hooked up with wins. You can tally up wins and buy drinks for the biggest winner of the week, guaranteeing her a few major victories for the following week as she tries to slobber over every guy at the bar who looks her way.

Hopefully, I’ve made the passing of time just a little more enjoyable. But don’t stand up too quickly. You don’t want to have to admit you got a chubby from thinking about Hillary Clinton all up in your grill.

Daily Nexus sex columnist Nina Anthony is also a fan of “Ender’s Game.” You know, the one where you guess how long the dude will take to blow his cream.

Print