I’m writing this column to bring to your attention global warming, world peace and solving hunger. Just kidding – fuck that boring shit! I’m writing to complain about an issue bigger than all three of those combined: those giant, Jumbotron-like sunglasses that are so popular with girls right now.

You know the ones I’m talking about – those massive expanses of dark plastic that could function as a sunroof for most cars. Don’t get me wrong – we’ve been blessed with so many good-looking girls at this school that I feel bad for… well, pretty much everywhere else in the world. And I understand that Santa Barbara is, shall we say, more fashion-conscious than most places. So I see why these glasses are so ubiquitous. But I would, if I may be so bold, like to speak on behalf of guys everywhere when I say that these glasses are evil and must be eliminated.

Why?

Because we can’t see your damn faces! Some of these abominations are so big that the only visible facial features are a mouth and a chin – it’s like to going to school with an army of female Robocops. Don’t get me wrong – you have lovely chins. And if I could, I’d take you all to the beaches of Tahiti and do photo shoots of your jaw, but… well, you get the point. I could understand it if you ladies were watching IMAX movies or something on those screens while walking around, but they’re just sunglasses. If, God forbid, I were ever to wear those things, I would at least put Post-it notes or something on the inside to make them more useful. I don’t think I’ve seen anybody patent that idea yet.

The problem is that we have all these beautiful girls, and they hide their glowing skin and sculpted cheekbones with $200 worth of injection-molded polyurethane. These oversize lenses cause trouble for everybody: Good-looking girls are hiding their gorgeous features, and because you never really know what someone looks like under them, it’s a diabolical form of camouflage. That girl sitting next to you in section who seems smoking hot could actually look like the Cryptkeeper underneath. I’m not trying to be mean; I’m just exaggerating to make a point.

The other issue is a practical one: just recognizing people! There have been many times when I’ve been greeted while biking past a friend who is wearing these cosmic ray deflector shields, and I have no idea who she is. I spend the next 10 minutes trying to figure it out before giving up, making me look like an asshole later when I don’t “remember” seeing them earlier that afternoon. Wait, I remember seeing you – I recognized you by the tip of your nose! Plus, don’t these behemoths cause tanning issues? If you fell asleep on the beach for a few hours while wearing a pair, you would wake up looking like a raccoon!

Side note on sunglasses use for everybody: Sunglasses are designed to shield your eyes from the sun. Unless you are a rock star or famous celebrity, there is no need to wear them indoors. If I see you wearing them indoors, I will be forced to come ask you for an autograph. “Forgetting” they were on is not an option, Bono.

I think there are only a few people that can legitimately wear these glasses. The first are those who need sunglasses this gigantic in their line of work, such as fighter pilots or astronauts. If you are ejected from your plane, or if you’ve fallen from a space shuttle over UCSB and are making your way back to Vandenberg, then you may wear these glasses. Shit, if you fell from a space shuttle and are still walking, you can wear whatever the hell you want and I wouldn’t open my mouth. The second reason you may wear these glasses is if you are a fly. If you have massive, extremely sunlight-sensitive compound eyes, you may wear these glasses, you six-legged freak. That’s what the things make you look like anyway. Third and finally, if you are the actual Cryptkeeper, please, by all means, wear the sunglasses.

And don’t sit next to me in class.

David Fuad is a junior law & society and psychology major.