So much trouble in the world.
It was true in 1979 when Bob Marley first said it. It’s true now.
Sometime on Nov. 2, 2004, watching the disaster I feared worst come to life on a big blue and red map of the United States, I crawled into the bottom of a bottle of Wild Turkey 101. I only wish I had been alive to thank Austin Nichols for this contribution to the devilish world of bourbon.
It wasn’t all bad — I saw it coming, made the proper wagers and came out with an extra $50 in my pocket.
But the consequences for the world are dire — and looking worse every day. God was clearly displeased: Let that tsunami and the filthy weather that’s been plaguing the United States and causing domestic disasters like La Conchita be a lesson to those self-serving Christian Right assholes.
And say goodbye to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Fuck it. Congress won’t save us this time – they’ve already been paid off. The ANWR website offers us their point of view: “Learn why the environmentalists are wrong when they claim oil exploration would ruin ANWR.” Yep, straight from the Anchorage office of Arctic Power. Maybe they’re biased; it’s anyone’s guess, really.
As for our own dear Isla Vista, the shit has hit the fan. No more spontaneous games of sloshball over in Dogshit Park. Some asshole over at Isla Vista Recreation and Park District, I forget his name, says that they decided to require permits for alcohol consumption in all of the Isla Vista parks to keep those nasty homeless folk from causing trouble. Price the fuckers out of their freedom.
I went over to the park on the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive where most of the homeless hang out and asked them a few questions. One of the guys, who called himself Stone Face, was polite and well-spoken, and said that the police never even enforced the already existent law over in Anisq’ Oyo’ Park.
“What are they going to do? Fine us? Give us a home and some food for a few nights over at County?” Good point.
Whatever. This is old news. We just bent over and asked them to please use some lube – not that we said anything when they didn’t. Nope – they decided to use Tasers instead. At the moment, I’m looking at a CBS News story online with a headline that says “Stun Gun Fatalities Rise.” Excellent.
In a report by Amnesty International — certainly an organization with their own biases, mostly toward human rights — a federal study carried out at an Air Force laboratory concluded that there may be unknown dangers in the use of Tasers and more research is necessary to determine their safety. Good thing the IVFP already got the fuckers.
What’ll be hilarious is when somebody with a pacemaker gets shot with a Taser. It’s my bet that the thing turns into a radio and the guy’s chest starts blasting “Mr. Brightside.”
Ah, the pain. Also, a late welcome back from spring break. I don’t know about y’all, but after all that, I need a vacation. Vegas, Ensenada, Rosarito — something around 40 hours in various automobiles. Too many nights with too little sleep, too many drinks and – well, it’s too early to admit to any of the felonies. Except one: on our way out of Mexico, my semi-retarded roommate was driving as I was too strung out to deal with those fuckers at the border whilst behind the wheel. Our Mexico insurance had expired the day before. Obviously, that means we were bound to get into an accident — which we did.
We threw $50 at the fucker and got the hell out of the country as fast as we could.
Probably, if I graduate this June, as planned, I’ll be fleeing this country too. But I can’t tell you why ’til I’m gone.
Cory Anthony is a Daily Nexus columnist.