Dear Winter Quarter,

I know it’s only been a few weeks, but it seems like at least a month. Oh, how I don’t miss you. You were so cruel to us. Your penchant for bulky class schedules and apocalyptic rain reminded me just how much you really hated me.

Then, to top it off, you preyed on one of the few athletic teams at UCSB we actually mention at parties – even if it’s just, “Dude, we have a men’s basketball team.” It was kind of cute at first, watching the team overcome a few bumps in the road – very amusing. But then it turned downright un-cute when our version of a basketball team turned into four guards running around a hobbled power forward. If I had known you were into S&M, I would have ended this thing a long time ago.

You’re one sinister asshole, Winter Quarter, you know that? You’re just a tease. I knew this for sure when the women’s basketball team won another yawn-inspiring Big West Championship and you didn’t even let them out of the first round of the NCAA Tournament. Last year you were so much kinder, and frankly, I think it’s time you stopped hitting the bottle.

Then, just when I thought you might lighten up a bit, more rain.

I found out during your damned finals week that the baseball team’s pending star, Chris Valaika, is out for the year. He’s one of the best ballplayers UCSB has ever seen, and he was supposed to dazzle us this spring.
You’re jealous of her, aren’t you? What, you don’t know who I’m talking about? You know exactly who I’m talking about. The breezy, cloudless blonde all the students anticipate year-round. The one everyone follows to the beach. The one who is always inviting boys and girls alike to take off their tops. She’s quite persuasive, Spring Quarter is. And what a pair…

Just to spite you, I’m going to all the baseball games with Spring, and maybe a few softball games, too. Spring is also bringing the Harvard men’s tennis team to Isla Vista. The brightest minds you brought around to these parts were the kids on Westmont’s basketball team. Weak.

Just to spite you, I’m going to personally see to it that the men’s volleyball team goes to the NCAA Tournament. Spring will be nice to them and hook them up with an at-large berth. Just you wait and see.

Oh, and if that’s not enough, just to spite you, I’m going to play on three intramural slow-pitch softball teams. We’ll see who’s laughing then. I’ll be naked.

Daily Nexus Sports Editor Chris Trenchard only plays basketball with pants on.