Another week is halfway behind us, and, if you drink on Thursdays the way I do, the weekend is just a few hours away! But before we wander out-of-doors, ready to pounce on those weekend plans — whomever they may be — let us first do a bit of planning ahead. I’m not talking about making sure you’ve got plenty of condoms and I’m not here to remind you to refill the box-o-wine for that special someone. Nope, I’m here to help you set up plans for after you get laid. That’s right – today I report my findings after completing a series of exercises, each one testing the enjoyability of various post-coital doings. Remember, dear readers, what I did to my body and the body of one or two young ladies was done in the name of science. Without further ado, let’s see what went down:
1. The post-coital cigarette. A classic move bordering on the cliché, the cigarette in bed is something that should be experienced by all. If you’re not a smoker, the gigantic head rush after your orgasm is a pleasant surprise. If you are a smoker, you’re going to smoke one anyway — you might as well use their bellybutton for an ashtray and have some fun. Anti-smokers from “The Truth” need not send in a complaint letter about my condoning of smoking — nobody believes you’re getting laid anyway. Verdict: Try it once, but if you’re going to get addicted to anything, make it sex. Damn, that’d be sick.
2. The post-coital snuggle. The favorite move of most women, a little holding after humping offers time for the couple to learn a bit more about each other. Take this time to talk with your partner and really get to know them. None of that “What’s your major?” keg line chitchat. You might want to double check the fuckee’s name and gender — it all depends what kind of night you had. I found that the soft breasts resting on my arm, a leg thrown across my torso, and the recent orgasm lead to a soothing, sleepy feeling. If you’re going to rail during the day and snuggle afterward, you should probably count on napping off an hour afterwards. Verdict: Not really appropriate for the one-night stand. Keep this one on reserve for that special someone. Show ’em you care.
3. The post-coital Game Boy session. Ideally, this is what you want to be reaching for once you’re done getting down and dirty. With a recently cleared mind, thanks to the recently cleared load, I found myself breezing through three levels of Metroid while the little lady snoozed happily next to me. And while I recommend asking for permission first, if you can squeeze in some Tetris while sitting on the receiving end of some oral lovin’, I assure you there’s nothing quite like it. Verdict: You’ve got to try this one. If you’re in the dorms, though, don’t fuck around. I expect you to be able to reach your Xbox controller in that small ass room of yours.
4. Post-coital coitus. So righteous — easily the best thing I tried this weekend. Surprisingly, after a little breather, there is nothing quite like fucking after a good fuck. Fuckin’-A! Only for the couple with stamina to spare. If you’re not blacked out or sweating profusely, keeping the heavy petting up after sex will lead you to yet a second session of sultry slamming. Verdict: Make sure you’ve got the room for a while if you’re going for this one: i.e., roommate went to work, is missing, etc. That is, unless, you’re a premature ejaculator. Reading this paragraph just kind of wasted your time, try to stop wasting hers. Faced!
5. Post-coital poaching. Get some ass, then hunt a white rhino. Exhilarating, but hard to pull off unless said ass belongs to a Massaii warrior. Verdict: If you fuck on the beach and stalk a plover, I’ll buy you a drink.
Alas, dear readers, it seems that I’m out of space. Try to keep this list in mind next time you hit the town. Then again, why wait till then? Nothing’s quite as nice as some post-Nexus nookie. Just don’t forget the Zelda. You know, for later.
Dave Franzese is the Daily Nexus sex columnist.