Well, Halloween and those bastard midterms came and went like a premature ejaculator at a strip club, and that means from here on out it’s officially football season. There’s nothing quite as precious to a guy as those carefree Sundays spent lounging and drinking around the rumpus room half-naked with a bunch of guys, watching a bunch of other guys on steroids tackle each other in front of thousands of other guys who are drinking. Does your house have the “score a touchdown, kiss your roommate” rule the way mine does? No? Hmm… maybe we need to squeeze in a house meeting after “Trading Spaces.”
So, inspired by the Landrys and the Lombardis of yesteryear, as well as America’s favorite cock parking lot, Paris Hilton, this week we’re all going to step in front of the camera and take a few snaps – not to lock away and conveniently leak onto the Net a week before our next reality show hits the air, but to study the film as all the great coaches – and lovers – so often do. We’re going to watch ourselves have sex from a new angle and, by doing so, learn a valuable lesson about who we are when we’re going for a roll in the end zone.
Let’s face it: When we are out there scoring a touchdown, our minds are moving a mile a minute. And while we may find ourselves musing over the smells and swivels of our current MVP, the last thing anyone thinks about during sex is themselves – or, more specifically, what they look like. I know we’ve all had those moments when a friend brings over a photograph of you at a party and you wonder, “Holy crap on a stick, is that what I looked like that night?!” – and then you follow it up with “I looked hot!” or “I looked like shit!”
Your entire sex life is one of those moments until you actually see yourself doing it. Just remember: This should be educational, not just another opportunity for you to get off on checking yourself out – that’s what the gym is for.
The video camera is the preferred method for this study, as it will allow you to see yourself in all-new, potentially startling angles. Under no circumstances, however, should you ever try to spring a hidden camera on your lover – not even trying to sneak out your camera phone while you’ve got them blindfolded.
For total coverage, set the camera up on the other side of a well-lit room. Instead of getting up and moving the camera around, just keep going for different plays on the bed; spinning your bodies a little every time you change positions will let you study your form from every angle. If you don’t have a partner who is willing to set up a little camera action, splitting the uprights in front of a common mirror will also work just fine. So will slamming in front of a shiny object like a hubcap – anything so long as you can take your time and get a clear look at yourself while you are doing it.
When you sit down to review what you’ve captured, really carefully digest and learn from what went down: the plays you made, the plays you should’ve made, potential openings in the back field… uh, you can make your own “wide receiver” joke. For example, when I undertook this little lesson, I learned two things: that I might need to start eating junk food because it seems that my ass is too muscular, and that I make what is quite possibly the most bizarre face when I orgasm – it looks like I’m listening to “Amazing Grace” on the bagpipes and eating lemons.
You might learn something funny like I did or learn about the aesthetic quality of some areas you rarely see. But no matter what kind of footage you get of you tackling or getting tackled, the key to having the best sex of your life is being self-confident, and nothing will boost your confidence like knowing what position you look the hottest in. Once you discover that leaning back over the edge of the bed shows off your abs or that running your hands through your hair makes your boobies perk up, there is nobody in the Western Conference who’ll stop you from running wild through their AstroTurf.
And don’t forget to send those tapes in to Coach Franzese! He needs ’em – in case you ever get your own reality show.
Daily Nexus sex columnist Dave Franzese constantly reminds Isla Vista females that football is alive and well in Santa Barbara.