Well, the girls weren’t the only things getting wet this weekend as the first rains fell upon this little utopia of ours. With the precipitation comes what many consider to be the most romantic weather of the year. Nothing screams “Fuck me again” like waking up to the sounds of water on the window and the sight of your hookup bathed in cool, gray light. So, the rain it is a-fallin’, the hormones are a-risin’ and your faithful sex columnist is here to help you do some exercisin’! That’s right, boys and girls, grab a partner, throw on some tunes and get ready to head on down to the ol’ Genital Gymnasium! Hell yeah!
Today we will be working with the pelvic floor muscle. Shared by both the ladies and the gentlemen, it is the sacred hammock under your pelvic bone holding all of your most important knick-knacks in one hot spot. Girls, think of it as a Prada handbag that holds your most delicate and womanly possession. Boys, we don’t need a metaphor: It’s literally the muscle running through your boner and balls. Don’t fuck with it. Well, actually, you should fuck with it – you have to ’cause it runs through your junk. I should’ve said don’t “mess” with it before. Fuck, this is getting fucking confusing…
So in order to locate the muscle we are gonna be working out today, we all have to make pee-pee. If you’re reading this in one of the seedier lecture halls, like Campbell or somewhere in Phelps, feel free to take a piss right there in class. If you’re somewhere nice like HSSB, excuse yourself, walk over to Phelps and pee in there. Once you start peeing, stop! There, did you feel that? The muscle you used to stop your pee from fleeing is your pelvic floor muscle. Flexing this muscle repeatedly throughout the day – in traffic, in class, at the beach or smoking crack with the Bargain Network kids – and presto, you’re doing Kegel exercises. You can turn any boring event into a session at the Genital Gymnasium with a few flexes here and there. Terrific!
“But Dave, I know it stops my pee, but what does it do for me sexual-wise?”
Thanks for asking! Speaking and sleeping with the hottest women I know yielded a wealth of information. Ladies, practice your K’s while on top to give your man the equivalent of a firm handshake on his wang. And just like any firm handshake, this is sure to get you noticed, especially because this handshake involves your vagina. If you’ve been working on your muscles down below, he’s gonna be sure to remember your time together and thank you for it. Who knows, he might actually start returning your calls.
For the fellas, the information regarding your Kegel benefits is kinda sketchy. Some of my fellow sexologists claim Kegels will help you control your orgasm, but I mean, really, guys, who the hell wants to control an orgasm? The main benefit of a healthy pelvic floor muscle lies in its ability to make your boner bounce when you flex it. So the next time a girl is about to give you head, wiener in one hand and face-to-face with it like a microphone, give a good squeeze. Right when it bounces up, say “Hi there! How are ya?” in your best Mickey Mouse voice. It’s gonna get you a laugh, make your hookup a lot more playful and make you more likely to get the call-back for a repeat performance. Either that or she’ll think you’re a sick bastard for treating your weenus like some erotic marionette.
And so, you erotic exercisers, it looks like it’s about time to end our little session at the Genital Gym. Just remember that a healthy Kegel regimen is only a fraction of your overall sexual health, so if you really want to be a bedroom dynamo, get yourself tested. If you think you’re too cool for it, I’ll totally kick your ass the next time you try to set foot into my Genital Gymnasium. Just come into the Nexus office under Storke Tower – I’m the guy with no pants on trying to teach the girls how to stop peeing. Now hit those showers, bitches!
Dave Franzese is the Daily Nexus sex columnist.