I love a lot of things. Ice cream, “Zoolander,” and camping are among them. I certainly love my country. But above all, I love myself. From this self-love comes my appreciation for everything else. I wouldn’t love “Zoolander” if I didn’t enjoy side-splitting laughter. I only love ice cream because it brings a party to my mouth. My fervent nationalism is driven by similar motivations.
The reason why I love America is because she really knows how to make a guy feel good. Not only does she treat me well – she’s gorgeous too. That way she tosses her amber waves of grain in the wind gives me goose bumps.
I also love the way that she gives me a reason to feel superior to the rest of the world. When I compare my standard of living to the citizens of a Third World country, I have two options. I could think about the inequality and ask what could change the situation. Or, I could revel in my superior lifestyle and have a good, hearty belly laugh. It’s too bad for all those Third World countries that I like to laugh. It’s not that I’m rich. In fact, I do not have a whole lot of money. But it sure feels good to be a part of the world’s largest economy. Though I share the same standard of living with the rest of the industrialized world, I know deep down in my heart that I’m better than all of them through my association with America.
How many other people are a part of the world’s only superpower? Not too many. And not a single damn Frenchie. Sure, I don’t have a lot of say in whether or not that big, red button starts a nuclear winter, but the man who does is American. And because I share eight letters with him, that makes me the Man.
I understand that you might not be convinced that America is man’s greatest creation. I hear that a lot of college students are liberal commies. But can we at least agree that democracies totally rule? Could there possibly be anything wrong with giving the people what they want? Well, America, god bless it, doesn’t do that. But we come pretty darn close to it. And more importantly, we beat everyone else to it. There may be other countries with more direct representation. Hell, there might even be some where the candidate with the most votes gets to be president. But all these other countries are biting our style. Nearly every other country is trying to be like mine. You bet that makes me feel good.
We came up with it first, so ours is better. America is the best, without question. I think Jesus even said so. The logical conclusion of this irrefutable, God-given truth is that foreigners are inferior. Especially in terms of intelligence. Now, I realize that it’s not always fair to stereotype, so I will happily reconsider my position when I come across one Englishman who isn’t a glassy-eyed, drooling halfwit. Until then, I just can’t trust foreigners’ intelligence. That means that foreign democracies aren’t always valid. Sometimes, they elect people that our superior American brains determine to be unworthy. Countries like Venezuela, Chile and Haiti have had elected administrations deposed because Americans knew of more qualified candidates. As an American, I have a secret vote in all sorts of other nations’ elections! God, I’m cool!
My country constantly reminds me that I am superior to foreigners. That’s why I’m delighted to be a patriot. I’m even more delighted to know that I’m superior to unpatriotic Americans. As far as I know, patriotism isn’t about a love of my country’s culture, government or land. Those things are nice, but I wouldn’t put so much effort into being a patriot if that was all there was to it. Patriotism isn’t about loving America. It’s about loving yourself.
Loren Williams is a Daily Nexus columnist.