I’m a little, nervous shit, so at my first UCSB party I walked up to this gigantic senior carrying a bottle of vodka and asked him, “So, how do you get a girl around here?” He didn’t respond with compassionate advice or anything useful for the little guy. Instead, he eyeballed me and boomed, “Well, the first thing you have to do is calm the fuck down.”

Thanks, assface. Since then, I’ve had trouble getting laid at UCSB. I bet my entire graduating class in New Jersey that I’d have sex in September, and if not September, before Halloween. Holy shit – it’s February! What the fuck is going on here? I’m slowly starting to learn (with some advice in Soc 152A) that not everyone at UCSB gets laid every weekend – just a small fraction of people. I sat in Human Sexuality last Wednesday and heard Dr. Janice Baldwin say, “Many young males at UCSB feel the urge to go out and look for sex every weekend, just because their friend down the hall had sex four times last weekend.” My friend sitting next to me gave me a smile. The friend that had sex four times last weekend. What a biatch.

Whether it matters or not, I still give a shit. So far, I’ve been able to come up with the following formula:

Talk + Beer = Sex.

But no! I have substantial proof that this solution is bullshit! One example: last quarter, seventh floor, Alysha and Michelle’s room. I sat in this room for a good two hours talking my ass off. The night ended with the two of them getting in bed together and asking politely if I could leave and close the door behind me. But wait! A key point: They were not drunk! In light of this important factor, we must change the information.

(Talk + Beer) – Sober Chick = Sex.

Still, this is nonsense. I have talked to many drunk girls while drunk myself, even when I’m confident as hell. Have I gotten in bed with them? No! Fuck it! There is some key ingredient I am missing. I asked my friend down the hall – let’s just call him “Big Pete” instead of his real name – and Pete told last weekend’s experience. His words exactly: “Well, we were dancing, and she was getting really into it, then moved my hand so it touched her clitoris and she was really stimulated. This went on for a half hour; then she told me to take her back to my room, where we fucked – not once, not twice, but three times.”